Don’t stay small

Today I cried bucket loads and feel about as low as I’ve ever felt. While trying to work my chest felt tight with anxiety as tears leaked down my face. I had to skip some scheduled meetings, and now I’m left feeling like the biggest failure to have ever walked the earth. I’m aware that’s dramatic.

I’m 44, and surely I’m supposed to have this life thing all figured out by now, right? Looking in from the outside and without really knowing me, it probably appears that I do.

I can tick boxes against many external things: a nice house, two beautiful and intelligent children, a loving husband of nearly 14 years, a good career in I.T., tick, tick, tick and tick.

So why have I ended up feeling this way?

My confidence took a hit between the ages of eight and fifteen when I was bullied at school. I was already a sensitive child and didn’t get the emotional support I needed at home. I felt lonely and weak. Those beginnings set me up for staying small, not wanting to be seen or heard, but still feeling I needed to achieve something. I pushed myself to go on to college and university, but I did it all very quietly and didn’t fully embrace the experience. Inside I felt scared and fearful an awful lot of the time.

A short time after getting my degree in Computing I got married and moved away from London, but my marriage failed when my husband was unfaithful…that’s a whole story in itself. It obviously didn’t do very much for my self-esteem and I found myself feeling very low and stuck. A friend helped me to find a counsellor, and having talking therapy eventually allowed me to emerge from the dark place I was in. It’s like that was the first step. It didn’t fix everything right there and then but it was something really solid to build upon and it’s a foundation I’m still building on today.

I’ve always been really good at thinking negatively of myself, if I talked to my friends the way I talk to myself internally then I would have no friends at all. Also I’m a perfectionist, which does have its benefits but can also be very limiting in terms of deterring me from trying things because I won’t be perfect straight away. Logically I know this is completely ridiculous but if all I needed to employ was logic then improving my mental health would be simple.

I pin a lot onto work being at the core of why I feel the way I do, of course that isn’t the only reason but it is part of it. I feel I lack purpose and meaning and just generally feel I’m a square peg trying to ram myself into a round hole. How did this happen? I think after getting my degree I really just fell into jobs without making sure they fitted what I really wanted and needed from a career.

I dream of a job where I feel comfortable; not unchallenged but confident, passionate, driven and ultimately happy. The truth is, that isn’t the case right now but I know that I have to do something about it or this feeling will continue to overwhelm my life.

A therapist once said to me, “Some people just tiptoe quietly towards the grave.” It’s a powerful statement that is worth lingering over and it’s certainly stayed with me ever since. I don’t want to be that person, I don’t want to settle and make-do just because I’m scared.

So what now?

It’s time to be completely honest with myself. I’ve been riding this roller-coaster of on/off depression for years and now it’s time to slam on the brakes. I’m purposefully focussing on myself and have found some brilliant resources to help me grasp what my values and strengths are. That self-inventory work is allowing me to understand myself more than I ever have before and making me realise what I actually like doing.

I love writing, I feel drawn to it but all the scary confidence gremlins (in my head) shout at me really loudly and say that I’m not any good at it and why would anyone want to read what I have to say and there’s no way you could actually write for a living. They’re doing it now while I’m writing this, but I’m determined to push on and see what happens if I don’t listen.

Those gremlins are part of the reason I haven’t really thought about the path I wanted to take, I’ve constantly just done “the right thing.” But for who? Not for me, otherwise I wouldn’t feel this way now. It’s not like my life needs a massive 180 degree turn but I do need to slowly work things into my world that make me feel connected and passionate and valued.

The point I really want to make and what I feel so passionate about, is kids having choice and being open minded and not staying small. Some won’t struggle with this growth mindset, where trying is key, as it will perhaps come naturally to them and they will have an abundance of self-belief to get them to where they want to be. But there will be other kids, like I was, who will find it tough and who will keep themselves small and won’t really explore who they are and live to their full potential. If this sounds like you, please know that exploring who you are is going to give you power over your life and your decisions.

• Seek out people who can help, maybe ask someone to be your mentor
• Read some self-help books that appeal to you
• Listen to podcasts in areas that you find interesting
• Try the Myers Briggs or Enneagram personality tests or the StandOut Assessment to see if they reaffirm your own thinking of yourself
• Practise mindfulness, just 5 minutes each day can make such a difference
• Try to have a growth mindset when you’re faced with new challenges

I wish I’d reached this point by myself a long time ago or had someone available to me in my younger years that could have offered guidance. I am, however, grateful that my experience will help my own children, plus the children I support through a volunteer mentoring service and hopefully anyone who has taken the time to read this.

We each bring something unique to the world.

Don’t keep it hidden.

Don’t stay small.