Don’t lose hope

I struggled at times last week, and felt so drained that my thoughts became confusing and a little negative. I was aware of this feeling, and spoke gently to myself as they arose. I took many deep breaths and cried to help release the pressure I felt building in my chest. Does this sound familiar? Well, know you are not alone.

I had the worst panic attack whilst travelling on the Camino de Santiago Pilgrim trail in Spain. The last time I remember one this bad was over 20 years ago. This felt like it just dropped on my head like a lead balloon. It smothered me, consumed me and that feeling of being helpless enveloped me once again like it had done so many times before. But this time, I was aware that whatever created it was laying deep in my subconscious as a result of holding in what I needed to say, feeling pressure to be strong and put the brave face on. Do we ever learn!?

As I paced the room that night trying to find a space in my thoughts to bring clarity and focus to just breathe, I also remember feeling ashamed in case anyone would hear me and at the same time wanting to cry out for help. It is a strange sensation, like you are torn between thoughts and waves of intense emotions.

Every fear that lays within you consciously or unconsciously rises to the surface. It was exaggerated by the fact it happened to me in a strange place, alone in my hotel room and unsure of my surroundings. At times of stress whether it is due to physical, mental or emotional exhaustion, our mind and body will give us signals to listen to. Do we always listen? No!

I was being given the signal by loud speaker now, I had no choice but to stop and listen.

I eventually got through the gulping of air and floods of tears and basically completed exhausted myself into a deep sleep.

It took me a few days to get out of it, and as I walked each day of my Camino trail, I took it one step at a time and one breath at a time. I never gave up but I did allow myself to be present with it. To feel the emotion and to accept it was trying to help me. It was my inner guidance system telling me that there was something wrong and I needed to check in with myself as much as possible. This is something I would do daily, but for some reason I hadn’t checked in with myself for a few days whether that being in a different country or just getting caught up with everyone else, I ignored me.

Its so important that we don’t ignore these thoughts and feelings. This was a little reminder to me that we are all works in progress. No matter how good things seem to be going, you may still be avoiding certain issues in our lives.

I am a truth teller, I will share my own truths once I can process the thoughts and feelings within myself. This is the awareness of helping yourself and in turn helping others. Understanding that this was a good thing to happen… not that I would have said that at the time. But looking back at it now, it gives me a deeper awareness of where I need to focus my attention on myself, on building my self-belief and confidence around certain issues. I am keeping a closer eye on those daily signals. Listen, learn and love yourself.

Remember, this too will pass. Don’t lose hope.