I have always disliked myself and never had any confidence at any stage of my life, if I am truly honest I hated myself.
I suffered from anxiety from as far back as I can remember.
Always at the back keeping the head down and not wanting to say anything for the fear of being wrong or laughed at.
My outlook on life was, ‘don’t look forward to anything so you can’t be disappointed when it all goes wrong.’
I never accepted any positive comments and wondered why anyone would want to have anything to do with me.
I was afraid to get too close to anyone because I would always become suspicious of their intentions, in my head they would always figure out that I was no good and eventually leave me.
I have struggled with food most of my life, but in the last 10 years or so it went to another level.
I stared to run, and over time lose weight. People would comment on my weight loss and my running success. So here it was, the moment I have waited for, I finally felt like I was doing something good for once.
This ‘’good thing’’ would eventually lead to me become very sick in hospital as an inpatient. It would also lead to a year of therapy and extremely hard work. I left my house on a Sunday, leaving my wife and four young kids, to enter an inpatient service for Eating Disorders.
The kids thought I was going in because I needed to heal my leg. It all happened very suddenly so we didn’t know what to tell them.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and on Day 3, I was close to leaving, but I didn’t, and I can honestly say that is why I am still here right now.
I like to focus on the positives and there are so many. I feel like my life is only beginning now, it’s kind of like being born again.
The possibilities are endless. For the first time in my life I like myself and I have a positive attitude towards myself and life.
How did I get to this point?
Well, it took a lot of work and deep diving into myself and my life, and learning to accept that I am not a bad person and anything in my past is not my fault. I can do anything and if I can’t do something, well that’s okay too. I have met a lot of people in the last year, both medical staff and other people like me, and it is also these relationships that have helped me. Knowing I wasn’t alone and that other people have the same thoughts and suffer with the same intense eating disorder voice has made me feel less isolated.
Yes, I have bad days, bad weeks even, but it always passes and each time it does I get stronger and learn more. I am trying to be a more outgoing person and openly talk about my illness. I am proud of where I am today. Talking helps me so much and trying to help anyone who thinks they may have an Eating Disorder by talking or writing is something I am very much passionate about.
A lived experience is something that can really help because if you have lived it you know what it’s really like to suffer.
We can get better and begin to love ourselves and we can experience all the emotions we should as humans like laughing, crying, being sad – because it’s alright to be sad. It’s normal to feel sad just as much as it is to feel pain or happiness. We need to embrace these emotions.
My life is amazing now that the Eating Disorder voice is not as loud and my life with my family is like nothing I have experienced. I am married with 4 kids, and even at this stage of my life I am just beginning to explore my potential.
We can all do this. Remember you are not alone or the only one suffering.
We can all find our compassionate self and find the power within that we all have.
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