Discovering the Physical illness, I had, was in fact Mental

I was fixated on the millions of tiny holes in the suspended ceiling tile of my office, I never noticed those holes before.

It’s not the first time I was in this position, lying flat on my back on the floor beside my colleague’s desk, on my yoga mat in the corner of the big open plan office. I was as heavy as a stone, could not move. I lay down for ten minutes to see if it made me feel better and the ten minutes turned into an hour. It’s like I lost time. Finally, I moved with all my will, I pushed to sit upright. I could hear my team working and talking away, they nearly forgot I was lying in the corner. But here I was pushing, pushing, pushing and getting nowhere!

It wasn’t always like this. I was healthy and living life to its fullest.

Now days, were filled with obsession about when I would next ‘Crash’. It was getting more and more frequent as the years went by. Now it was every 3-4 weeks. I would crash, maybe for a day or two. Then there was the aftermath for a couple of days. It never came without warning. I would feel really tired and my limbs would feel heavy. Then the dizziness and nausea came, this could last for couple of hours. I would push through. But it would always eventually put me down, whether it was myself laying down or my legs going from under me, I would end up on the floor/sofa. My legs would turn to jelly and it’s like my brain didn’t work anymore. It was so hard to concentrate and walk straight. I couldn’t even talk, my speech slowed down, everything slowed down. And I forget about eating, when I was like this, I just couldn’t. My life was completely miserable. I missed nights out, weekends away.  I was reduced to working a 4-day week because I was out sick too often.  It seemed the harder I tried the worse I felt.

But I had hope.

I had gone through the hospital system twice. Diagnoses was low blood pressure, so I was to lie or sit down when the dizziness came and drink more water. That was it, nothing seriously wrong, except it was RUINING my life!

My hope was sparked in the form of alternative medicine, I tried reiki, reflexology and was sure one of these things would make me better. They didn’t!

Then one day while walking in the park with my mam, she was talking about a story she read. A girl in her 20s had been sick for a decade, nothing fatal, just getting physically sick, weak etc. She went to a psychiatrist and the first question she was asked was when did this condition start? It was right after her aunt’s death. She grieved the normal amount or, so she thought. This got me thinking, when did my ‘condition’ start and I remember it so well, but I guess I could not put two and two together, until now.

This was a real light-bulb moment. The moment I decided to look inside and ask,

“Am I to blame for this “sickness?”

“Am I doing this to myself?”

“No of course not!” came the resounding answer.

But then I asked again,

“Am I doing this to myself?”

And this time I thought about it, really thought about it, when did these ‘dizzy, debilitating, episodes start”?

It was nearly 12 years ago. Myself and my boyfriend had just split up after a 6-year relationship, we had bought a house. After a year living together, I found myself leaving our home, to move back to my mam’s box room. I was absolutely devastated, and my “sickness” began. I have been suffering since and it was getting worse and worse. I decided in that moment, that I was going to take responsibility and do something about it. My good friend had told me about a counsellor she had gone to, 2 years previously. So that very day, I called the counsellor.

It was the beginning of the end of the life, as I knew it.

I called the counsellor and I asked could he help me, and I explained my symptoms. He answered with great confidence,

“After 3-5sessions with me, your life will be changed forever”

I was doubtful but also hopeful. I met him for our first session. I had some homework to do for the next session, some audios I had to listen to and begin the process of rewiring my brain.

I went back for 5 sessions over the course of 5 weeks and I continued the audio practices for a couple of months. My last session was June 2016 and I have not Crashed since. Not even once, it was a MIRACLE.

Really it wasn’t a miracle, I decided to take responsibility for my mental health, for the first time in my life and I did the work, I changed those thought patterns.

It’s so hard, when you have been “ill” for years, it nearly becomes a habit. I was on a loop I couldn’t get off and the symptoms were getting worse and worse. And I was driving it all, unbeknownst to myself. You think the “illness” is controlling you. But its not. You are in control.

Take control of your mental health even if you think it is physical. Get all the tests you can and if they come back clear, please look inside because the answer is there. Or get professional help to guide you to that answer, there may be something or many things from your past, that you have not dealt with emotionally and it is coming out in physical symptoms. You do not have to live like this anymore.

Look at me, my life has changed completely.  I am now doing a 5-day week in the office and it’s a thing of the past for me to lie down on the floor!

I also did something that, during my ‘sickness’ I wouldn’t have thought was ever possible. I studied to be a yoga teacher and in July 2017 I qualified, exactly a year since I last crashed! Now I am teaching yoga regularly and doing the day job, doing my self-practice, taking holidays, enjoying time with friends and family, living my life to the fullest.

I have come to realise just how powerful the mind is and we are limitless, except for the limit we put on ourselves.