I choked the first time I said it aloud.
It was the beginning of the Christmas holidays and I was relieved to have a two week break from Leaving Certificate stress. I was in my bedroom with the girl I had been friends with since Junior Infants. She knew something was up. I had become more withdrawn lately and had even started to miss school, something I never usually did. That day I found myself practicing over and over again in my head what I would say – how I could vocalise the words that I couldn’t let leave my mind. She held my hand but didn’t pressurise me. I took a deep intake of breath, started and re-started my sentence over and over again until it finally came out;
“I have depression”.
I had never said it aloud before, in fact, I hadn’t heard it for over a month since my GP first said it to me. It physically hurt to say it, I saw it as one of those “bad words” that you were taught not to say and were scolded for if you did. It was a part of the English language that didn’t exist amongst certain age groups and it wasn’t acceptable to say in public. But after that night with my friend I practiced saying the word over and over again until it became familiar to me. It was a difficult task but I was persistent.
I began to open up to more people – my sister, aunts, cousins and close friends. I had come to the realisation that my depression, despite the pills and therapy, was an innate part of me that I would have to accept and so would the people I loved. I have no doubt that talking about depression helped me become more confident in myself, and helped lighten the stigma I had placed on myself. Talking to people also resulted in others following my example and they opened up to me in return. I discovered that I was not the only person in my family, nor the only one of my friends to suffer from mental illness.
I was not alone.
Of course, none of this was easy and unfortunately my depression got worse before it got better. I struggled to open up during my counselling sessions and apply my doctors’ advice effectively to my everyday life. I let the stress of the Leaving Certificate get the better of me and I slipped into a destructive pattern of self-harm. I let the shame of my cuts and their scars take over my life and became ashamed of the depression that had made me do this to myself. At this stage I had accepted the word, but not the negative effect it was having on my life. I hit rock bottom before I really started to get better.
But thanks to the loving and supportive people around me I got out of that black hole. I began to change my thinking perspective again after that, as I never wanted to let myself fall so low again. I wrote the word depression over and over again, read it until it was embedded in my mind. I wasn’t going to see it as a “bad word” anymore. I had seen depression destroy people and I had seen people overcome the deep depths of it. I decided it was no longer going to hold me back.
I accepted myself.
Around this time I started university, a difficult transition for anyone. I lacked self-confidence and I struggled to integrate myself amongst my peers. But I continued my therapy and practiced becoming more confident in myself. I started attending more college events and even managed to convince myself that people could enjoy talking to me. I began to see myself in a positive light and grew more self-confident. I met new, amazing people, and I let them get to know the real me. I was no longer going to wear myself out by putting on a façade. I took part in mental health campaigns and learned that people were much more accepting of mental illness than I ever thought.
Along with this acceptance came knowledge. Depression had controlled my life for so long that I decided I should work to take something positive from it. I wasn’t going to see it as something I suffered from anymore, but rather something that was a part of who I was. It’s hard to believe, but I find I gained certain things from my diagnosis, and I have grown a lot as person too. I learned that;
- There is more to me than my depression.
- The voice in my head is not always right.
- Everybody is going through something.
- Life is something that is worth living.
- You can never properly love someone until you love yourself.
- Good days exist.
After years of seeing myself as only a worthless burden to the people surrounding me, I grew to love myself, to value myself. I accepted my depression and to this day I continue to work to rise above it. I don’t want it to control me ever again. It’s not easy, nothing in this life really is, but it can be done.
Acceptance is just the first step.