Depression, a story of acceptance

I choked the first time I said it aloud.

It was the beginning of the Christmas holidays and I was relieved to have a two week break from Leaving Certificate stress. I was in my bedroom with the girl I had been friends with since Junior Infants. She knew something was up. I had become more withdrawn lately and had even started to miss school, something I never usually did. That day I found myself practicing over and over again in my head what I would say – how I could vocalise the words that I couldn’t let leave my mind. She held my hand but didn’t pressurise me. I took a deep intake of breath, started and re-started my sentence over and over again until it finally came out;

“I have depression”.

I had never said it aloud before, in fact, I hadn’t heard it for over a month since my GP first said it to me. It physically hurt to say it, I saw it as one of those “bad words” that you were taught not to say and were scolded for if you did. It was a part of the English language that didn’t exist amongst certain age groups and it wasn’t acceptable to say in public. But after that night with my friend I practiced saying the word over and over again until it became familiar to me. It was a difficult task but I was persistent.

I began to open up to more people – my sister, aunts, cousins and close friends. I had come to the realisation that my depression, despite the pills and therapy, was an innate part of me that I would have to accept and so would the people I loved. I have no doubt that talking about depression helped me become more confident in myself, and helped lighten the stigma I had placed on myself. Talking to people also resulted in others following my example and they opened up to me in return. I discovered that I was not the only person in my family, nor the only one of my friends to suffer from mental illness.

I was not alone.

Of course, none of this was easy and unfortunately my depression got worse before it got better. I struggled to open up during my counselling sessions and apply my doctors’ advice effectively to my everyday life. I let the stress of the Leaving Certificate get the better of me and I slipped into a destructive pattern of self-harm. I let the shame of my cuts and their scars take over my life and became ashamed of the depression that had made me do this to myself. At this stage I had accepted the word, but not the negative effect it was having on my life. I hit rock bottom before I really started to get better.

But thanks to the loving and supportive people around me I got out of that black hole. I began to change my thinking perspective again after that, as I never wanted to let myself fall so low again. I wrote the word depression over and over again, read it until it was embedded in my mind. I wasn’t going to see it as a “bad word” anymore. I had seen depression destroy people and I had seen people overcome the deep depths of it. I decided it was no longer going to hold me back.

I accepted myself.

Around this time I started university, a difficult transition for anyone. I lacked self-confidence and I struggled to integrate myself amongst my peers. But I continued my therapy and practiced becoming more confident in myself. I started attending more college events and even managed to convince myself that people could enjoy talking to me. I began to see myself in a positive light and grew more self-confident. I met new, amazing people, and I let them get to know the real me. I was no longer going to wear myself out by putting on a façade. I took part in mental health campaigns and learned that people were much more accepting of mental illness than I ever thought.

Along with this acceptance came knowledge. Depression had controlled my life for so long that I decided I should work to take something positive from it. I wasn’t going to see it as something I suffered from anymore, but rather something that was a part of who I was. It’s hard to believe, but I find I gained certain things from my diagnosis, and I have grown a lot as person too. I learned that;

1. There is more to me than my depression.
2. The voice in my head is not always right.
3. Everybody is going through something.
4. Life is something that is worth living.
5. You can never properly love someone until you love yourself.
6. Good days exist.

After years of seeing myself as only a worthless burden to the people surrounding me, I grew to love myself, to value myself. I accepted my depression and to this day I continue to work to rise above it. I don’t want it to control me ever again. It’s not easy, nothing in this life really is, but it can be done.

Acceptance is just the first step.