Dealing with health anxiety

Don’t be so morbid. That’s what I was told one time.

Imagine going about your day to day life and then you notice something. A twinge, a sensation or some other indication that something could be wrong. Could is the word to focus on but with health anxiety that’s the hardest word to digest.

It has taken a lot of time and work for me to pin point my main anxiety triggers but I can’t deny that health concerns are one of them. Although I haven’t ever been specifically told I’m a hypochondriac I do think there is a good chance that’s true! Ironically, the thought of it being true tends to make me calmer. People throw around that term – hypochondriac quite frequently but I wonder how many of them really are.

The piece isn’t about my Dad but one short explanation does need inclusion as it’s a significant part of my fears around health. He died unexpectedly, without warning. The realisation that that can happen is one that’s very hard to shake. There is a sense that if it can happen once it can happen again and that takes time and work to move on from.

I can’t express how quickly my mind will notice a symptom and have myself or a loved one buried within less than a minute. My whole body will seize up with tension, an overwhelming heat surges from nowhere. I feel nauseous with panic and fear and have to force myself to breath through it and keep my feet on the ground to remind myself of the here and the now. Not the past where I experienced loss before or the future where the threat of death is very real. It’s all consuming. You are so overly aware of what possibly could be going on in your body from a potential illness to the point where you’re probably doing your body more harm with the unnecessary stress you’re inflicting on it.

Generally, If I’m concerned about something, I will get it checked and that’s the responsible thing to do. I think the difference is when you’ve taken all the right steps but that intense sick feeling of worry lingers in your mind like a shadow day after day. Maybe you’re waiting for results, expecting the worst, fearing you’re wasting time waiting for the results. Worse again, what if you finally get the results and there is an error. Unfortunately, this too has happened and our health system has failed us in that regard but that is a whole other topic. For those who deal with health anxiety though it only thickens the plot.

Seeking reassurance from doctors does tend to help me, however, last year when I had a particularly tough bout of anxiety I feared even going to the doctor as I was concerned they would have a “What’s wrong with her now attitude”. I attended my appointment and the first thing I did was apologise for being there. The doctor looked at me confused but I couldn’t help but feel that I was wasting their time and making a nuisance of myself. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I make no secret of the fact that I’ve had plenty of counselling over the years for a few things but anxiety is one the main culprits. It’s undoubtedly one of the best things I’ve ever done but I have noticed more recently that in one sense has it become another source for constant reassurance for me particularly when I speak about health worries. The knowledge I’ve gained from counselling though is that I know I have the skills to look after myself and trust that I will take the right steps should anything happen to my health. It’s about trusting myself and recognising the balance between dependence and noticing when I need some help.

Another facet of my health anxiety is financial and the two often intertwine to form one very powerful spiral that will tear any logical thinking to pieces in moments. Private health care and the ability to pay for private consultants, tests, surgeries and treatment ultimately means you will be seen to more quickly. It’s a toxic aspect of our society that this is the case but unfortunately it is the reality. I will often find myself in the depths of a panic attack over not just health but the what if something goes wrong health wise for someone I love and then we don’t have the sufficient finances to support them and get them the treatment that they or I may need. It genuinely terrifies me. I try to keep myself as grounded as possible and not get carried away but it is something I struggle with from time to time.

One of the most frustrating aspects of health anxiety for me is the nagging thoughts that loiter around your mind. I am lucky to say that I feel like I’m content with many aspects of my life and if only I wasn’t haunted by potential health worries and the anxiety around them I would be really happy.  I think if only I knew that those results were ok then I could completely relax. It can be incredibly draining catastrophising everything and yet much more difficult to stop than you might think.

Health anxiety is something that I have had a difficult relationship with for years. What’s relatively new about it is my awareness of that relationship. Where I am with it now is somewhere between moments of drowning within it and moments of seeing that there are life jackets to be found. Somewhere that although sometimes I feel like I’m out of my depth but I remember I can swim. I’ve come a long way but I know it will always be something that I need to keep my awareness of and be mindful that it is something I am sensitive to and that’s fine. No one is invincible mentally or physically and not berating myself for that is something I remind myself of as much as possible.

Ultimately, I would love to reach a place where my first instinct is not to have myself and those I love six feet under within moments and I will continue to work on that for as long as I need to with the hope of reaching a calmer thought process which comes naturally instead of one that plunges straight to fear.