Coping with panic attacks after being raped – my experience

Trigger Warning. If you have been affected by sexual violence please phone the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre National 24-Hour Helpline 1800 77 8888 or contact Rape Crises Network Ireland.

When I was eighteen I fell off a bike while hostelling with school friends in the Wicklow Hills. My face was cut to bits, swollen lips, battered nose, black and blue eyes. I didn’t make much of it, it was even funny to look at in a way. The swellings went down, but soon after I began to feel slight discomfort in my face and also quite nervy when in the city.

Shortly afterwards, I was sexually assaulted in Paris. After this occurred I came back to Dublin and I felt such a darkness within that I had my first panic attack on O’Connell Street, the day after I got back.

I’d like to emphasise that like most people, or maybe unlike most people I don’t know, I came from a ‘sweep things under the carpet’ environment. I didn’t tell many people what had happened and when I did many years later I got precious little help from those who probably should have known better.

I’m even loath to say this because I still feel the negative reaction. Or worse, the silence.

I recently read about Lady Gaga who spoke about being raped. She also found it easier to sweep it under the carpet at the time it happened. There’s always the stigma of being blamed or causing shame for the family. But I think this depends on the family you grew up in.

I know of rape cases at the time in the 1980s whose family went straight to court about it. So it’s also not a question of the 80s being the dark ages, seeing that it was over 30 years ago. It depends on the individual how you deal with it. Personally, I think I took the wrong way and I wish I had spoken out more.

Being raped is a harrowing experience as was dealing with the panic attacks that ensued in the aftermath.

A panic attack in my experience is the onslaught of a mixture of physical sensations and fear feelings. Your legs turn to jelly, you feel you might faint, everything seems oppressive. Your energy wanes, and you get sweaty. You’re afraid to move, afraid to get stuck and highly embarrassed. You get one, once, outside, and you’re afraid to go out again.

It becomes a vicious cycle and you develop agoraphobia. Typically, you can’t wait in a line at the bank, the supermarket. You practically evaporate in the middle of a crowded street. One of the worst places for me was Westmoreland Street in Dublin city. Funnily enough I never experienced panic attacks in any city except Dublin.

Overcoming them

Crying, in my case, seemed to a major healing factor in overcoming panic attacks. Dr. Judith Orloff writes in Psychology Today about the healing power of tears—both physical and emotional. Orloff contends that crying does more than just physically heal the eyes, she argues that crying “helps to emotionally clear sadness and stress.” (From an article by Taylor Bell.)

I also had to go on medication for about three years from 2011. That definitely helped to regulate my mood and gave me a confidence I never had before.

Although I went to a brilliant psychotherapist, which my cousin recommended, I wasn’t given much to emoting in her presence, which I know frustrated her. She often alluded to my anger. ‘I’m not angry’ I’d reply. However the experience of therapy did help on another level as when anything came up for me in a routine day, I would dig into it. Because, quite frankly, often it was something buried so deep, I might never have gotten the chance again. It’s amazing what comes up, often randomly and usually from childhood, and also from events over the years. Through this commitment to dig deep I discovered I am extraordinarily angry.

‘Anger Is An Energy’ is a true statement. It can be a nasty, inconsistent and vicious energy but it can also be also harnessed to propel yourself out of the gloom. It is a powerful emotion if channelled and utilised in the right way, to heal.

Sheer will power is also a factor. You can not give into panic attacks and depression. You have to face it. And it’s extremely hard. I know, because I’d fought them for years.

However, I will say for those in the midst of a panic attack, in my experience it is best not to fight it. Otherwise, it gets worse overall. I had to kind of sink into them and gradually they faded. Overcoming panic attacks is like being let out of jail, the ease of getting around, the feeling of being confident and at home in your own skin. If I can do it you can too.

Since overcoming panic attacks I have met an idol of mine, John Lydon, been to Paris again, and even managed to ask a renowned film director, Jacques Audiard a question at a Q&A he did recently in Dublin, which I would never, ever have done before.

You, ultimately, regain yourself. And, it’s never too late.

• I would recommend any Dr Claire Weekes books on panic attacks. She’s an oldie, but a goodie.
• Please go to a good GP that listens to you and understands where you are coming from. Also don’t be afraid to take medication, if you need it.
• And take action to get the right help for you. Don’t ignore it.

If you have been affected by sexual violence please phone the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre National 24-Hour Helpline 1800 77 8888 or contact Rape Crises Network Ireland.