Like so many others, once Covid hit and lockdown was upon on us I had time on my hands and time to think. For someone like myself who suffers from Anxiety, having time to think isn’t always beneficial. But, this time it was different. Maybe it’s because I’m more mature, maybe I’m more at peace with myself but either way, my mind didn’t start to SPIRAL.
I was working from home, sitting at my desk, and decided to write a blog. I started typing away and off I went into a two-hour reminiscing mind-field with no specific end goal set.
The result of that blog was something called The Endless Spiral.
It was the first time I had ever written anything substantial about my anxiety and depression, two conditions I’ve lived with since my early teens. I’m now 40 years old, and when I look back at my younger years I have so many regrets. I lost out on my teens and twenty-somethings years. I don’t even like listening to 90’s music as it triggers something negative inside me. My usual go to music is nostalgic 80s hits as it reminds me of a happier time in my life.
In my early 30s I changed careers which caused me extreme anxiety and brought me to the verge of a breakdown. There was obviously a lot of issues inside me I hadn’t dealt with. At the time it was an extremely difficult time but looking back, without those difficult times I wouldn’t be where or who I am today.
Fast forward to me sitting at my desk with The Endless Spiral Blog in front of me, I wrote about how I use sport as an escapism from my anxiety and how I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with exercise for so long. But, as I was soon to discover, that wasn’t the full story.
I sat on that blog for a couple of weeks. As Steve Peters writes in his book The Chimp Paradox, my ‘chimp’ was sitting on my shoulder trying to protect me while whispering into my ear,’ bin the blog and stay in your safe space, just in case someone gives you negative feedback and I feel anxious about it. However, my inner warrior was telling me to share it with the world and be proud of what I’ve achieved while battling extreme anxiety. The warrior won on this occasion and I posted the blog on Twitter. To my surprise, it was warmly received. Twitter has a bit of a reputation for trolls but as I didn’t know anyone personally on there, I felt safe sharing it.
That blog ultimately went from me writing one blog to a blogging community for other people to share their stories too. The Endless Spiral was born. And so was the podcast. But, that’s not why I’m writing this today. During the 6 months since launching the site and podcast, I discovered a term called Body Dysmorphia. The more I looked into it the more I realised I had been living with body dysmorphia for over 20 years. It was the source of my anxiety and depression.
Sharing my story has felt like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have to suffer in silence. I’ve had so many messages from other men thanking me for sharing and saying they can relate to my story. I’ve decided to exercise to affect the way I feel rather than to affect the way I look. I’m doing yoga and I’ve discovered intuitive eating. My podcast is listened to in 30 countries and nominated for a People’s Choice Award.
Once I developed a healthy relationship with myself I learned to develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise. My emotional eating is a thing of the past. But it’s a battle and something that needs work. You can’t just flick a switch and turn it off. But, I’m going in the right direction and that’s all I can ask of myself.
People ask me all the time what would I say to someone who is living with an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, anxiety, or depression. That’s a very loaded question. Obviously, not everyone has all those conditions. But what I would say is the same for all. Don’t suffer in silence. Talk to someone, reach out, and ask for help. There is no shame or stigma in mental health. You aren’t alone and there is help out there. Trust me I’m a perfect example. It’s never too late.
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