If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you create a war inside.
Something I have been doing most of my adult life I’m afraid. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I have mental health challenges.
Yesterday was my 13th wedding anniversary on May 13th. 13 is unlucky for some and the last few anniversaries we went away for the night which ended up an absolute disaster over something stupid it’s always the way. Waste of money, babysitting and precious time as we don’t ever get away alone!
So this year I decided to have a low key celebration and book a gorgeous Indian in Greystones followed by a walk by the Coast. It was delicious and I really enjoyed the walk listening to the waves it was so relaxing. Success except it wasn’t our actual anniversary…
The night before our actual anniversary which happened to be a Monday night we had a bit of a barney. Here we go its definitely jinxed. We discussed Tommy Tiernan’s interview with Adam Clayton regarding mental health and alcoholism. There was a very positive article about the interview praising Tommy for being such a good listener and Adam for being so open and honest. ‘Depressing’ my husband said.
I was disgusted as during our walk the night before I had shared some of my pretty intimate deep dark thoughts I have had from when I was depressed over the years. Something I have not shared with anybody before. We also discussed my family he said it is what it is, they are what they are you just need to manage it which made perfect sense. So I defended Adam saying how amazing I thought he was for sharing his story letting others know they are not alone. I went to bed that night not a happy camper.
Whilst getting ready the next morning he said happy anniversary. ‘You too’ I said grumpily. Eating breakfast I reread an article I wrote about Personal Responsibility and how I can learn to respond not react ie go angry inside also known in my case as sulking which can go on for days. When we were leaving my daughter gave me a big hug saying happy anniversary, have a good day. She then went into the kitchen demanding that Daddy say the same. So he did kissing me on the lips. I still wasn’t happy!
Later that morning I needed to ring him as I had a question about the house. I was glad I had an excuse to ring. He didn’t answer but called me back shortly afterwards. We spoke about the house as I slowly but surely plucked up the courage to bring up the elephant in the room. I expressed my disappointment in his reaction to the interview. About how I had poured my heart out to him the night before. He said you shouldn’t get annoyed about things like that. The point is I did. Self advocacy.
I finally hung up the phone having got a load off my chest in a very calm fashion. I no longer felt angry wow what a relief. Is it possible to cope with things differently. Temper is for suppression and feelings are for expression. I wonder if I handled life like this would I manage my wellbeing better. Would I express, clear the air and learn to let things go.
On the way home from picking up my son from school I stopped at the vegetable shop and picked up delicious fruit, salad, vegetables, mozzarella cheese, balsamic and crunchy rustic bread. The local shop had my favourite wine Sauvignon Blanc. It was a gorgeous sunny day so I planned to eat outside in our beautiful garden. My husband came home with probably the nicest flowers he has ever bought me and yummy banana bread and rhubarb and strawberry tart with cream.
Things could have been very different and if it had been I know I would have been very depressed that yet another anniversary had come and gone without marking it. 364 days till the next one. I am so proud of myself. It is possible to retrain the brain and manage things differently. We need constant reminders hence rereading my article which spoke about important days in the previous year being ruined like the lead up to and the first few days of our summer holidays. Christmas Day I was also triggered and didn’t manage the situation very well unfortunately.
I have got over the hurdle of our anniversary successfully and am sure will be challenged again. Hopefully I will remember the outcome can be different. If and when it is then I am sure I will be less reliant on taking extra medication for my mental health. I have put reminders in my calendar on my phone to help retrain the mind. Is this what is known as neuroplasticity I wonder? If only I could put this into practice with my mother and siblings that is another days work.
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