But you are such a confident person! How could you have panic attacks?

But you are such a confident person!  How could you have panic attacks?

Wow, if only I had €1 for every time somebody said this to me over the past 8 years.

Hi, I’m Sharon and I’m a successful business owner and yes, I suffer from panic attacks.

8 years ago I would never have admitted to suffering from panic attacks but I’ve come a long way and I’m hoping my story will give hope to anybody on this journey.

Like many others, my first attack came out of nowhere. I can’t remember any signs, nothing in my routine had changed and then bang driving on the M50 to work one day I experienced my first panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, I could barely see and my body was shaking. My leg was trembling so much I could barely hold it down on the accelerator – with cars passing me at 100klms per hour. Thankfully I managed to pull off the motorway. And so my life would change – what I hoped would be a one-off occurrence became a daily event in my life.

I remember when I “googled” panic attacks and my horror when I saw the words mental illness. A cloud of shame came over me and I vowed that nobody would find out. You see panic attacks signalled to me that I was weak and couldn’t cope. We all have a self-image of ourselves and mine was of being strong and able to cope with anything. By my early twenties, I had experienced heart-breaking grief with the passing of both of my parents. Yet I had continued with my studies, qualifying as an accountant and setting up my accounting practice at the age of 26. So to feel now like my coping mechanism had given up on me felt like my very identity was coming apart.

The attacks came daily and never gave any warning when they were coming – standing in line in the supermarket, watching a movie, even just talking on the phone. The feeling of an attack is so intense, I had read that nobody ever died from a panic attack but as the waves of fear and palpitations just kept hitting over me every time felt like I was losing my mind and I was afraid of dying.

Due to the unpredictability of the attacks, I stopped leaving the house. I am self-employed so taking time off work was not an option. Instead, I limited my office visits and some days just worked sitting on my bed. Most doctors I visited just wanted to offer me a pill to take it all away. But I sat there wanting to scream that surely a pill would just mask what was going on and it had to better for me to understand what had really caused this? My children were only aged 1 and 3 at the time and out of desperation one day I agreed to start taking medication.

My work involves international travel and I found coping tools so I take part in the daily meetings. I could barely conversate without having an attack so I would attend breakfast just 5 minutes before it was over as I knew most of my colleagues would have finished up by then. During the meetings I would just keep writing notes on my copy – scribbles really but anything to distract myself from my racing heart. I refused to attend the evening social events citing work deadlines that I had to attend to. The year before this I would have been the life and soul of the party.

Still, I was determined that nobody would discover what was really going on with me. One day I confided in a friend who lived nearby. She had been prescribed the same tablets and began to name other mothers who were also taking this. She had told me this to console me but the revelation left me horrified. We all had completely different lives, with different demands so how could the same medication be the solution for all of us. Since taking the medication I had just felt in a fog and numb for most of the time – not feeling sad but not feeling happy or excited either. I really believed there had to be a better solution for me.

I decided I would find out what had caused my panic attacks and every night I researched, read blogs and books. The conclusion I came to was I had worked my body too hard. Working at night until 1 am was not unusual for me plus I wanted to be the best Mum, doing everything for my children and never asking for help. My body was only able to take so much and now I believe the panic attacks appeared as a sign for me to change my lifestyle.

The shame lifted and I started to look on them as just like I would any other sickness. I had a cold but just not the type that required Lemsip. Slowly I started telling friends and their reaction – but you’re so confident how could you have panic attacks? You see panic doesn’t distinguish and chose certain personalities. It isn’t a sign of being weak or lacking self-confidence.

Today? Yes, I still have panic attacks – mostly limited now to when driving. I’m guessing it’s from that first experience. The best technique I use now – no longer trying to fight them. In the past, I would spend so much energy trying to suppress the feelings and not let the attack trigger. One day out of complete frustration I screamed inside “I’m sick of this! Panic Attacks do your worst I don’t care anymore!”. Guess what? The attack never came – it was the fear of the attack and the possible humiliation that was feeding it the energy. Take away the fear of the consequences and the attack went away. It doesn’t work every time – but I’ll take sometimes over nothing any day.

Other triggers I’ve learned to control – lack of sleep, too much alcohol, too many notifications on my phone, emails etc.. Breathing techniques and meditation are invaluable – breathing deep from my tummy and imagining that I’m surrounded by a huge space really helps to centre me. Then with continuous practice, the attacks got less regular.

My message to you is that please don’t feel ashamed and lock yourself away from the world like I did. When you open up you will be surprised to hear how many people are suffering too and the more we can talk about it the more we can learn how to overcome them and get on with our lives.