Dear Reader,
For a long time without really knowing it there was this unknown feeling inside me. It triggers every now and then and lingers in the shadows of my mind but I have been lucky enough to find ways to whisper back and transform my darkness into light.
For the purpose of this letter I just want to let you into some of the wonderful helpers who implanted truths into my psyche which for me have been some of the rays of light I needed.
I am learning ways to dance to the beat of my own drum in a country that is slowly waking up to the great need for cultural change in our homes and communities across Ireland today.
The Psychotherapist
Turn into your inner child. Reparent her. Give her love, a hug, care for her. Remind yourself that she is you, treat her with self-compassion. Do this especially when you feel at your utter worst.
The Psychiatric Nurse
“I need to do this on my own”, said me. “You are working of a false belief system, take the tablet”, the nurse said. For that duration of time Yes reader, the tablets along with the integrated team care I received, the tablets worked. Well they alleviated the mental anguish and voices and set me on the journey to my new way of living. I am half-heartedly anti-medical model but tablets do work. I had to be willing to play ball with mixed anxiety and depression when it is took over my life and I am glad that I had all the terrible side effects because the tablets do work. When my family and medical professionals were telling me to take them, I was much better off to give in and commit until I did enough work to get back to living without them. It is okay to take medication but you have to do more work than just that. Believe me.
The Psychiatrist
“Never let yourself get that bad again” The final thing that was said to me on my last visit when I was off the medication and better again. I hated him for it because he was right. I am worthy of taking all the help there is around me. I do not need to suffer alone. I was so afraid of surrendering and asking for help.
The Occupational Therapist
“I am worried I won’t get a job again. I am taking so much time off and I feel so bad. I am sorry that I am taking this wage every month”, said me panicking as I turned up to a mandatory medical company occupational therapist thinking they were going to force me to go back to work. “You are sick. I am going to sign this form for another three months and I’ll book you an appointment for three months time for a review. You don’t need to force yourself to go to the gym full-hog like you used to. For now, take baths, put your shoes by the door. Go for five minute walks. You don’t need to build it all u at once. Just focus on the now”, she said. I waltzed out of that place feeling so much better about myself
Three months later. “You look much better. You were very grey the last time. You have put on weight”, she said. “I’m shocked. Did you think I looked that bad the last time you saw me?” “Yes, you look like you’re slowly getting better”, she said. “Yes, I am thanks, I said. “I am putting you off for another three months”, she said. “What? Can you really do that?”, I said. “Yes, you are still working on building yourself back up. It will probably take a long time before you are back to your full self and you need this time to work on yourself and this illness”.
Only then reader had I rationally come to. I had truly no idea how sick I had been. Not a clue. I was in the midst of taking it minute by minute, then hour by hour, then week by week, well that’s an overstatement, I still live day by day most days. It was that occupational therapist who made me realise that I was sick. I had never really fathomed what I had gone through and would take so long to really get over. A full blown nervous breakdown. They don’t use that language now in the medical profession. But essentially I spent two years re-educating my nervous system so that I could function in this world.
That woman really taught me how well and truly we Irish are obsessed with work and achieving. To anyone working out there in a big job, give yourself a break and don’t be so hard on yourself. Take a few days off and chill the beans, it will save you a whole load of illness in the long run.
The second Psychiatrist
“I recommend you go to Heartfulness meditation. I make different recommendations for different people and this is the one I am making for you.”
Reader, he was right. this has saved my life. I have been going now for two years. Anytime I have had triggers or blips in my life it is because I have broken the routine of going. Try it, it might work for you too. I have found my people. And even though I never meet up with them outside of meditation, they are my support group. I am grateful for them in my life. It is based on the Sahaj Marg meditation and Daaji is the current master. God rest Babuji. Look up a centre near you. It isn’t the be all and end all but it is one of the tools that works for me.
The Occupational Therapist
“Please refrain from using these words on yourself. As a matter of fact they don’t even exist in some languages: ‘never’, ‘nobody’, ‘no one’, ‘should’, said the young trainee. I have made a habit of catching myself everytime I use these words either in my head on myself or out loud to others.
The other Occupational Therapist
This man I was so afraid of and did everything in my power to avoid him but by God did he get me better. He just didn’t give up. Essentially I learned how to get from living minute to minute to hour by hour to day by day to week by week because of him. He taught how to mix spontaneity and enjoyment with meeting daily duties. I keep a diary now and follow the rules of self-care, productivity and leisure. I ensure there is a mix of all three in my week. Variety is the spice of life.
Reader these are only short conversations and I hope you will take them lightly. The have been beacons of light in my life and have been key life changers for the betterment of the quality of my life. I feel a mixture of positivity, negativity and neutrality throughout each day. I just know that the stings and persecutions of life, no matter whether it’s a break-up, a world war or a bee-sting I can fall backwards on all the strategies I have learned along the way.
To conclude on a Seamus Heaney quote that’s on my fridge, “even if hopes have been dashed, hope still has to be maintained”.
Lead from the heart. You are safe in this universe.
Your friend,
Portia Poppet
P.S. The stigma hurts. I prefer to remain anonymous.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
Support Our Campaign
We rely on the generosity of the public to fund our work and so far together we have achieved great things! Please do continue to support us so we can provide future generations in Ireland with the resources to recognise and talk about their emotions, and equip them to navigate the ever-changing world around them as they grow
