Cast your memory back to the year 2000. Were you were dancing like a Maniac to DJ Mark McCabe’s tune, working in your first job after university or maybe you were like me and accepted in a position on the frontline of the Irish Emergency Services? I became a member of An Garda Síochána and as I turned around from saluting under our national flag on my graduation day, I couldn’t help but wonder what the future held for me in this role.
After giving the position my late teens and all my twenties, I effectively “burnt-out”. My main purpose when I applied to join the force was to help, to give something back and to give those in need a lift up. Before you decide I may not have been suitable for it, I was runner-up for an honorary medal as best student Garda and had numerous commendations for excellent police work.
What I didn’t realise was that something seriously precious to me would become so fragile and so damaged due to work-related stress – my mental health. It’s important to point out I never had a touch of mental illness before I joined.
I now have two officially diagnosed mental health challenges, namely Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder and Bipolar Affective Disorder. The healthcare professionals helping me suggested that hereditary factors were unlikely to be the root cause as none of my immediate or wider family are affected by either disorder. The team of medics that I currently have on the public health system believe it is a result of dealing with traumatic events on a daily basis as I was a very active, hard-working and a robust police person. The extremely busy nature of my work coupled with remaining on “high alert” became increasingly harder to “leave at work”. This affected personal and family relationships and friendships.
Yes I was warned and educated about PTSD during training, yes I was given support from former colleagues but no I never signed up for this package deal.
PTSD affected me in the form of anxiety attacks, night-time terrors, night sweats and flashbacks. My anxiety was treated by way of anti-anxiety medication which thankfully worked and still does. I also undertook a course of CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – which was excellent. The terrors and sweats are easily sorted by leaving a night-light on, not to sleep in complete darkness and wearing light clothing to bed. PTSD can also be linked to childhood exposure to trauma but not in my case.
As for the flashbacks, they are the worst. They are similar to a scene in a horror movie on repeat in your mind where you fear you can’t make it stop. Your mind can also play tricks on you for added theatrical effect. They can last for a good few minutes, at worst for me was half an hour. But, it does feel like a lot longer when you are enduring this.
This is the harsh truth of dealing with life or death situations on a daily or nightly basis. My present personal cure for a flashback? Hug something, if not a person, hug a pillow, distract yourself out of it anyway you can. Disrupted sleep is also a trigger for flashbacks so ensuring I get good solid sleep wherever and whenever I can is key. Visualisation has also been a powerful tool during these times. I close my eyes and take my mind away to my favourite beach or mountain. Or I think of a moment when I felt truly loved and appreciated. Positive visualisation helps dissolve the flashbacks. There are also times when I just tell the flashback to BOGOFF back to the past where it can stay.
PTSD does diminish with time, love and support but years later I can still get a re-occurrence of it. At times, it is easier not to lean on those closest, (I’m not saying never talk or reach out, it’s really important to ask for support when you need it) but I try to formulate that negative energy into something more positive and this is also where pastimes come into play for me. If you’re suffering with something similar maybe take up a new sport or get back to a sport you loved, or maybe try something creative, learn an instrument, take a course in something you’ve always wanted to do, a new language for example. Create or learn something new to help yourself let go of the old.
As for being bipolar, it is totally manageable but yes it’s a daily mental health challenge. There are two types of this condition namely Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. I have type 1 whereby I suffered a horrific psychotic episode leading to an admission to a psychiatric ward. I could have easily harmed myself or others during this experience so to say that the emergency services saved my life would be an understatement. I’ve not had a bipolar psychotic episode since but, who knows? At least if it does re-occur I’ll know it’s not “real”. Bipolar is a mood disorder so I could go from high to low mood over nothing. Mood stabilising medications help to control the shift in mood so I’m not a “moody so and so” anymore as I was once described.
Other symptoms of bipolar are self-medication with drugs/alcohol, excessive and irrational spending, increased risk-taking (this is different to spontaneity), prone to gambling and increased promiscuity for the sake of it. If any of the above issues are affecting you please do talk to your GP, a counsellor, therapist or psychiatrist and get support to help put your mind more at ease.
Also get really aware of your own triggers and signals that show you are entering a high episode which can include being really talkative, racing thoughts, delusions of grandeur, or thinking you can do everything. Know what your triggers are and watch out for them. Correct doses of medication will keep you stable and level and regular blood tests are carried out to ensure your medication is at the right level in your system.
As for the low, being shy by nature I personally find them easier to deal with. Signs include low energy, low mood, lack of interest in daily events, feeling withdrawn, unsociable and an overwhelming feeling of not being present in life in general. A personal trigger of mine was academic exam stress. Again an appointment with your GP/counsellor/therapist/psychiatrist will help put you on the right track.
I’m on medication for life now and it’s fine though a pain in the proverbial to remember at times. Alcohol is out of the question but it’s a small price to pay for good mental health status which I currently have. I used to binge-drink once or twice a month. Alcohol and mental health challenges are not compatible bed-fellows.
Romance and relationships are a mystery but be aware when you’re being too much for someone or not giving enough either. Take a step back, and try your best to become mindful in all your relationships.
I will never regret my choice to join An Garda Síochána, I take pride in my past but I hugely regret not minding my mental health and well-being more. I resigned from the force and now after a long process am again feeling healthy, fit and happy. I need to highlight that I’m not “cured”, I’ve accepted both my diagnosis though it is hard for loved ones and friends. I have pursued a new career. Yes it will have its own pressures but ones I am ready for.
To the frontline teams currently working 24/7 please do everything to mind your own head. Your mental health is precious, do not allow a job (even a job you love) to contribute to diminishing your mental health. It’s also important to remember it really is okay not to be okay… even as a Garda, EMT, medic, nurse and those who work in the psychiatric services. We’re all human. The job satisfaction in many of these roles comes from knowing you are helping to save lives, not just one life but a complete family and wider community. Concentrate on all the good work you’ve done, the people you alone helped and the peace of mind you have given the public. Be kind to the broken hearted you meet in your job but, more importantly be kind to you. You owe yourself the care that you give to others.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here: