The girl in the picture yeah that’s me. The girl that everyone thinks is bubbly and always laughing like she hasn’t a care in the world. But that’s wrong… I care too much.
I’ve recently survived a suicide attempt. I’m not ashamed of it and don’t let it define me.
I’ve suffered with anxiety, depression and PTSD for as long as I can remember. I am usually always laughing and smiling but it’s been very hard lately. I’m good at hiding my feelings and putting on a good show. On the outside I looked fine but on the inside I was broken and lost. I had been lost for a while at that stage and still struggle some days. Over the years suicidal thoughts have always crossed my mind but it got too much for me, I let my thoughts win. Self harming didn’t relieve the pain anymore so the only way out was to attempt suicide.
This past year has been the toughest year of my life. I got through so much with the support of family and friends. I was so grateful for everything people had done for me. When I crashed down and needed them the most I pushed everyone away because I felt guilt for wasting everyone’s time. I thought I could do it myself this time. The day before my suicide attempt I was withdrawn from reality I could barely speak and just wanted to sleep and forget about the world. I took an overdose the following day, immediately regretting taking the variety of tablets. I froze and quickly realised I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to get rid of the pain. I went into hospital straight away. I’ll never forget what I was feeling. I couldn’t breathe I could feel every heart beat like my heart was trying to escape from my chest. It was the scariest feeling I’ve ever had. I was kept in overnight and monitored, it felt like I was there for days and days. I wasn’t allowed to be left in my own but I knew it was for my own good.
The minute I got out of hospital I wanted to go home to a safe place. I was still having withdrawal symptoms when I got home. I wanted to hide myself from the world. But I didn’t I knew I had to get out and face the world. I went to my last day of my course I couldn’t walk into the room by myself from pure fear. Luckily I had a great friend that helped me that day to get through it. After forcing myself into that situation and surviving without crumbling I knew I was stronger than I thought.
Being hospitalized made me realize I can’t do these things on my own. I use to think I caused trouble when I asked for help but after my suicide attempt I have seen the difference. If you need help ask for it there are so many people who want to help. I didn’t want to believe I needed help but it took me to hit rock bottom before I realised the truth and I’m hoping others who read this and are in the same position can act quicker than I did.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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