A Letter to Frank

I better give you a little introduction on who Frank is or you’ll probably think I’m writing some weird letter of complaint to Frank from down the road. During a counselling session, I was asked to describe how I feel when I’m going through stages of anxiety and depression and I couldn’t do it. It felt like one of the most impossible answers to give. I don’t know whether I feel that words won’t give it justice or that I can’t find the right ones to describe it. So, she asked me to describe my mom, grand did that. So, she told me to visualise my feelings as if they were just another person in my life. So everyone, meet Frank.

Dear Frank,

For so long I have let you call the shots on my life, I had given you full control of the steering wheel while fooling myself that I was the one driving. I feared you. I didn’t understand why you had chosen me. What have I done in my life to deserve you? Why me. I first met you when I was a teenager, I tried to ignore you, tried to put you in a box and lock you away but you got stronger. Bigger. More overpowering. You have left me confused, angry and exhausted. Throughout my life, I have met a lot of people who have taught me lessons but you have had the greatest impact of all. You have handed me the bricks that I have used to build this wall around myself. To not let people in close enough to see the real me. To avoid talking about anything important because the fear of them finding out about you is paralyzing.

You have held me back from opportunities, friendships, relationships. Hid me away in my room, avoiding life at all costs. You have made me want to give up. You have affected my relationship with my family, made me lash out at the only people that have been there for me through everything. You have hurt them and in return have hurt me even more. When you go off on your holiday life is great. I feel stronger, happy and a little less scared. I don’t talk about you in the fear that you might return. Sometimes the distance between seeing each other is so long, I get excited that I have beaten you. That I will never have to see you again. Life becomes bearable again.

Then just like that, you return. You don’t send a letter of warning. You just show up. I could be sitting in a room with my friends or family laughing and joking and I can feel you waiting at the door for me. You suffocate me. You don’t let me sleep. You don’t let me concentrate. You don’t let me live my life. You latch on to my dreams and turn them into my greatest fears. At 23 years of age, you have become just another person in my life, constantly shadowing my every move.

However, I know you now. I have spent the most time with you. I came to a point in my life when I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to let you win. I wanted the controls for once. I have come to realise that I don’t need to fear you. I don’t need to sabotage my life in order to make room for you. I need to educate myself, understand what triggers you into being so powerful. I need to learn what I can do for myself in order to put you outside the door instead of sitting on the end of my bed. You have been the villain of my story for many years but now I’m holding the pen. You will be my greatest ally because I have learned to control you. To keep you at bay. If what I am doing helps at least one person take back the controls of their lives, then living with you will have been worth it. You’re that awful flatmate that everyone experiences but it’s how you learn to live with them is the greatest task of all.

I’m sure I’ll see you soon.

Peggy xx