This time of year can be very hard especially when you’ve lost a loved one. Especially when you are out doing your Christmas shopping and you see something you think your loved one might like. It then hits you, they won’t be here to open it. Christmas day will never be the same without them. I lost my friend Harry this year and I was saying this to her. She gave me a great piece of advice, she said ‘just get him the gift anyway’. It is one little small thing that can help with grief. It is one small thing and taking it one day at a time.
I remember when I was six, Harry collected me from school. The teacher said to me, ‘Is that your grandad here to collect you Ruth?’ I looked at her funny and proudly said to her, “No that’s Harry!” I laughed because I thought,’ how does my teacher not know Harry? Everyone knows Harry!’ He was always such a big part of my life.
It’s been a long time since that day. Harry sadly died on November this year after suffering from bone and pancreatic cancer. Around September time, we were told that Harry only had 2 weeks to live and Harry fought that Cancer for another two months. He fought ferociously until the end. He was brave, determined and retained his strong spirit until the day we all had to say good bye.
Harry has always been there in my life. He has always been one of my oldest and dearest friends. He was always a quiet and mysterious man to me. He is the closest thing I’ve have to a grandad. One of my granddads died before I was born and the other died when I was five. Harry has always been a quiet influence in our lives growing up.
Harry was my grandad’s brother but I don’t remember much about my grandad. I remember him giving me flat 7 up when I was sick. He used to bring me to ‘Crazy Prices’ in Bray and helped me pick out soft pears (because I found it hard to eat the hard ones). He used to wear thick woolly cardigans, gave warm hugs, was always smiling and was always chatting to everyone. He was a very warm man. Even though they were brothers, Harry was a little different to my grandad. He was a very quiet man, very introverted and liked to keep to himself. He didn’t like physical affection and we always respected his boundaries. We’d wave to him to say hello and wave to say goodbye. Sometimes you’d wave and just tap his hand in case he couldn’t hear you. To me, Harry was never like other people, he was special. He liked to work hard and have quiet conversations about current events. He has been deaf for a good few years but taught himself to read lips. I always had time to chat to Harry because he was a very intelligent man with a lot of interesting things to say. I always loved talking to him and it didn’t even matter what we were talking about.
When I was born, Harry was in his 50’s. I only ever remember him being an elderly man. He always looked the same to me though. He never aged in my eyes. I think he was semi-retired when I came along. He used to do the gardening for people here and there. He didn’t drive so he used to push his big lawnmower everywhere he went around Bray. It was a fairly ancient lawnmower! He was always in a pair of blue over all’s and a round neck woolly jumper. Harry’s room and his shed were the two places that we were never allowed into (because of the dangerous gardening tools and such). This made him even more mysterious to me as a child. Sometimes I’d take a sneaky peak into his room walking by and it was like a museum. That is something I’ll always admire about Harry, he always kept things for a long time and in great condition.
Sometimes after dinner he’d share his biscuits with us and we’d quietly watch telly. He did this when we were kids and when we were older. Some things never change. He loved watching westerns especially. He’s been deaf for a good few years so you’d hear the sound effects of gun blazing in his room from the old movies.
I think a lot of people underestimated Harry. He was a very intelligent man that was just a little quiet. He was subtle in the way he showed he cared. He didn’t need grand gestures to show that he appreciated you. Harry lived and loved in a quiet way. In his final weeks, he liked to read the Herald and watch people chatting in the hospital. Towards the end he got a new hearing aid and was able to talk more. I will always cherish those conversations. He was so funny and lived such an interesting life. His body gave up on him complete but he never complained. He always appreciated what he had even if it wasn’t much. He appreciated his intelligence, his eye sight, his new hearing aid and the kindness people.
Harry has taught me that love can be subtle and quiet. Love is delicate and we have to take care of what we have, especially each other. Life is about appreciating what you have even if it’s not much. It’s about being thankful and listening to those you love. It’s about sharing their stories even after their gone because that’s how they’ll live on.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
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