This is NOT a story of “he overcame social anxiety and he’s now a social butterfly and feels zero anxiety”.
I still struggle with social anxiety from time to time.
But despite my anxiety, I have had thousands of conversations with complete strangers, and have made lifelong friends as a result.
Along the way, I’ve picked up a few valuable life lessons, which have helped me connect with people wherever I go.
Of course, I wish I had learned these lessons in my early 20s. The years when making friends felt harder than eating dressing-free salads (or skinny dipping in Antarctica…) But that’s the nature of wisdom — it takes time to emerge.
If you are in your 20s, I hope that you will find at least one of these lessons helpful to you…
1. You don’t need to “overcome” social anxiety to be great at social situations.
For the longest time, I thought that I needed to be witty or charming to connect with others. I just needed to say the right joke or ask the right question.
Turns out, that’s not true at all.
I consider myself more than a little anxious and awkward. Yet, I have fun chatting up strangers. How do I do it? Practice helps, but social success is a matter of expectations.
Sure, if you want to charm everyone right when you walk into a room, you will probably need Olympic-level looks and some universe magic. But if you set lower expectations — just focus on having decent conversations — you will be delightfully surprised.
2. Having social anxiety doesn’t mean that you’re broken.
When my anxiety was at its worst, I thought that something was fundamentally wrong with me. I often berated myself: “I need to fix this”. Much later on however, I learned that my anxiety is actually a healthy emotion.
Really, if you think about it, anxiety is a signal that something is important here.
You might be anxious because you care about people, or because you see a particular relationship as important. In fact, in caveman times, anxiety was our survival compass. Dr. Russ Harris, a psychotherapist, explains:
“If the group kicks you out, you won’t live long by yourself… So how does your mind ensure you fit in with the group? It compares you to all the other group members. It asks: Am I measuring up? Am I fitting in? Am I doing the right thing?”
A big part of the healing journey comes from accepting anxiety and living life despite the emotional challenges.
Now, when anxiety gets unbearable, here’s one thing to try…
3. Your mind is as strong as your body.
When I was 27 years old — a few years back — I finally got fed up with my beer belly, and I decided to work out at the gym. It turned out to be one of the best decisions for my mental health. I’ve been working out consistently ever since!
Research shows that exercise is tremendously beneficial to alleviate anxiety. John J. Ratey, a Harvard Medical School professor, even went as far as saying:
“…lacing up your sneakers and getting out and moving may be the single best nonmedical solution we have for preventing and treating anxiety. A simple bike ride, dance class, or even a brisk walk can be a powerful tool for those suffering from chronic anxiety.”
4. Rejection is a necessary step to finding meaningful relationships.
When I was younger, I’d daydream: “Wouldn’t it be nice if I’m never rejected by others?” What I’ve realized is that you can’t avoid getting rejected. As Dr. Aziz Gazipura shared in his book, The Solution To Social Anxiety:
“People that live lives without rejection are engaged in a habit of great
avoidance… They avoid asking for what they deserve at work and in relationships. They avoid close friendships”
In other words… Rejection is simply the price you pay to find the relationships you want. Does rejection suck? Yes. But if you want to make fun friends and find your dream partner, you’ll have to put yourself out there. That means you will encounter a few No’s along the way… but that’s also how you get a Yes.
5. Don’t chase after people. Find people who will love you back.
A big part of my anxiety came from trying to make others like me, even when they didn’t seem interested in a relationship. I’d even try buying them gifts or meals to win them over.
What I’ve learned is that you can’t control if and when someone will like you or not. What you can control however, is yourself, and specifically your choices regarding who to hang out with.
Rather than befriending people who aren’t that into you, prioritize people who value you instead. A healthy relationship is a two-way street. If you notice that you’re giving more than you want to, or that the other person just doesn’t seem to reciprocate, it might be worth revisiting the relationship.
6. Forget about quantity of friends. Focus on quality.
The more friends, the better? That’s what I felt for many years, and I still feel it from time to time. After all, we live in the age of FOMO (fear of missing out): having hundreds of friends show up at your birthday party can seem a lot more desirable — Instagram-able — than having just a few.
The good news is, you don’t need that many friends to have a fulfilling social life. In a study, researchers found that three to five close friends might be all you need.
I’d even say that quality is more important than quantity. Think about it: if you have a full-time career or business, and you have family to take care of, you won’t have that much time for friends anyway. Why not be choosy and pick the friends you absolutely adore?
7. Your life is much more than your anxiety.
Here’s what I’ve learned from my therapist:
When you zoom in on a part of your identity, you miss out on the larger reality of who you are. You aren’t “just” a socially anxious person. You are much more than that. Ask yourself:
- What do I love about myself despite my anxiety?
- What am I proud about?
- What am I excited about?
The point of all these questions is to notice the awesome things about yourself, even when your anxiety is all you can think about.
Yes, get all the support you need to work through your anxiety, but remember that there are other parts of you worth celebrating too. Don’t let your anxiety define your entire identity and life!.
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