Suicide is a taboo word in Ireland.
We don’t like to face the reality of it, unless of course it comes into our lives. At the age of 5 I lived in a North London council estate with my Mam, it was always just the two of us. With the little she had she gave everything to make sure I was a happy, loved and probably slightly spoilt child!
On New Year’s in 2001 my mam took her own life. As young as I was I understood dead as something you don’t come back from. It was as if my whole world had been taken from me. What I didn’t realise at that time was that life isn’t always black and white, humans are not always happy or sad, angry or hurt.
I was then adopted by my auntie (my mam’s sister) and uncle who lived in Dublin. She raised me as her own with love, care, and discipline along with her two sons and I have been with them ever since. Loved, supported and toughened up by two amazing older brothers.
But I didn’t know where to look.
Growing up was hard, especially around her anniversary, New Year’s was a time of celebration and new starts – l ooking ahead with excitement – how could I do that when I was constantly reminded of what I had lost? My biological father wasn’t in the picture either to top it all off, but the Dad who raised me treated me exactly the same as he did my brothers. I didn’t get away with more being the only girl, I actually got away with less! I was lucky enough to get a second chance of having parents.
But I still didn’t know where to look.
Counselling helped, but when you’re younger it’s hard to piece together mental health; why people make certain decisions, think a certain way. So for one reason or another I stopped counselling a few years after my mam died. I just got on with it, made friends, settled into a new life, but every now and again throughout each year I allowed the hurt of what happened take over. Anxiety popped its head up for years after because talking about it would hurt too much.
In 2011, when I was 16, I found out that I had an older brother who was given up for adoption a few years before I was born. He lived in London, having been adopted by an amazing family who gave him the best life he could have hoped for. They were always honest about his adoption – how lucky am I that they were? In turn, they have supported both him and I to build the amazing relationship we both have to date. This was a blessing after years of hurt, trauma and confusion.
I started getting curious about where to look.
Two years ago I dedicated myself and took personal responsibility for my own healing so that I could not only create an impact on others, but for myself, my future kids and future generations. A lot of people ask me how I coped over the years (including my therapist), how I never severely suffered, nor fell into addiction or felt suicidal myself. I never really thought the answer to that – only really in the last two years – and the only answer I have is, love.
I felt so much love from my mam for the short time I had her, I feel it from the family who took me in. My family, who keep her alive with stories and memories. I feel it from the amazing friends I have, from the random strangers who smile at me walking by or the really sound manager in my local Apple Green who would make you laugh on the most stressful days.
I’m not saying it’s as easy as that, or that pain won’t ever come. Life is unkind sometimes and pain is inevitable. You can’t outrun it. You also can’t change, fix or control the past as much as much as we may sometimes like to. But you can change how you look it at, and how you then use it to propel yourself forward in a way that works for you.
Life is so short. I’ve realised our healing and mental health are as important as our physical health, if not more important. If you look around you, no matter how bad things seem to be, I guarantee you will see love in the midst of it all.
Today, I have turned the pain of my past into purpose.
I am a Neuro Linguistic Programmer, as well as Mental Health and Well-being Coach, passionate about promoting positive mental health, human connection, healing and mindfulness to as many people as possible and making support and resources easily available for anyone who needs them.
I’ve learnt that the time we have in life is not only short but also so precious, and with love, empathy and respect for ourselves and for other people’s model of the world, this generation and the future generations can become so dedicated to healing. We can be more open about our mental health, and in turn, regardless of the external events that occur now or in years to come, our internal worlds won’t be destroyed.
Yes, our internal worlds will be slightly shaken at times, but with the right tools; self-awareness, support, unashamed conversations, less judgement, connections, and love, our resilience will endure.
The point of my story is to share that even in the worst of times, your life can change. Bad times don’t last and nothing has power over you as long as you don’t let it. In every negative experience there is something to be grateful for even if you don’t see it right away. You will always experience emotions, hurt and heartbreak. It’s one thing we all have in common. This fact in itself shows you how not alone you are no matter how much you may feel it in any given moment. Humans are built to be resilient and to keep moving forward.
We all have the power to heal, every single one of us.
It took years of work and perseverance but I can confidently say life is absolutely beautiful, because now I know where to look.
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