Nine years ago, I made a decision to try and become a friend to myself and create my best life. In that time, I went from being a Mum of two to a Mum of 4, I’ve had bouts of depression that felt like they would never end, struggled with how I felt about my body, had almost 3 years where our youngest son (who has since been diagnosed with autism) never slept. I’ve had mornings where I woke with anxiety so strong it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’ve pushed through and worked harder when I should have stopped and rested, and self-sabotaged and denied myself joy more times than I care to think about.
I’ve cared more about what others thought of me than what I thought of myself, cried, screamed with frustration at how stuck I felt, wanted to give up, and felt lost and alone even when surrounded by others.
But, somewhere in me the whole time, has been a sense that I needed to keep going, to keep trying to choose joy and making things better.
One thing I know for sure is that our natural state is joy, we are meant to experience joy, and that once we are adults our joy is our responsibility – no one else’s…that doesn’t mean we have to seek it on our own. Finding a counsellor a few years ago meant I had a safe space to be myself with no judgement which has been such a good thing.
I’m generally a “get on with it and sort stuff out myself perfectionist” but sometimes the first step in self-love is allowing yourself to be supported and asking for help.
There, I’ve said it the two words that can make people cringe & recoil “self-love”, when I’m speaking about this in workshops, I say that if it feels easier to talk about learning to like yourself first that’s ok. I’m a huge fan of affirmations but if they are too far from what you see as your current truth they lose their power.
Saying “I love myself” when you are filled with self-loathing feels like a lie, whereas “I’m choosing to learn to like myself” instantly raises your vibration a notch, and once you start raising your joy levels you want to keep doing it.
It’s taken nine years to truly feel like I’ve got my own back and cheer for myself like I cheer for others and I’m here to tell you it feels so good, but like any relationship, it takes work. Healing and creating a positive relationship with ourselves is perhaps the most important work we can ever do, not just for ourselves but for everyone in our lives and the world we live in.
A massive recent win for me has been letting go of the need to be perfect and trusting that good enough is good enough. Breaking free of the prison of perfectionism deserves its own space and is definitely getting a chapter in my book.
Choosing joy is not about toxic positivity – denying difficult feelings or emotions – it’s about knowing joy is always available to us, finding ways to trigger it and choosing to be our own friend. Because after all, you spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with yourself and it makes the tough days easier if you don’t spend them criticising & putting yourself down.
I’ll wrap this up with some highlights from March (it’s all too easy to focus on things that went wrong in our days/weeks/months when there are always things to celebrate too) and my intention for April.
- I had a few moments this month where I felt utterly overwhelmed and drained, having given too much of my energy, but instead of defaulting to my previous behaviour of just pushing through and doing more, I turned off my phone, set some boundaries and allowed myself to rest.
- One afternoon when Josh was refusing to nap and crying loads I went up to my bedroom and screamed out of pure frustration, instantly felt guilty, but spoke to my counsellor about it and we came up with a coping plan for when things get stressful in the house.
- Every morning I’ve started the day listening to a favourite song and writing in my Manifesting journal, and have ended each night doing the same. We can reset ourselves anytime during the day but making a habit of it last thing at night & first thing in the morning is guaranteed to instantly raise joy levels.
- I promoted my workshop online without having internal dialogue of “Oh god people are going to be annoyed seeing these posts and unfollow me”
- I noticed I’d lost a few followers on Instagram (perhaps because of the annoying posts about my workshop🤣) and didn’t care which was a big Whoop, whoop realisation of WOW I don’t need everyone to love me anymore in order to love myself.
- I managed a situation with someone who in the past hasn’t respected my boundaries at all. Told them “No” to something they wanted me to do for them. The double win was I didn’t get anxious or worry about what they thought and they actually didn’t make a big deal over it (though it was nice knowing that even if they had I’d still be ok with my decision)
- I had a really ungrateful rant about our kitchen – the mess, the lack of a dishwasher, the disorganised cupboards and crisp packets everywhere (our son Josh eats and throws around a lot of crisps), but after about twenty minutes of this, realising I felt pretty rubbish, I sat down and instead wrote a list of all the positives about our kitchen & instantly felt better. Now each time I find myself falling into the mode of focusing on what I don’t want or don’t like about something I do the same & reframe it, looking for the good.
- I laughed a lot. I pretty much started crying on Dec 25th 2022 until the end of Feb 2023 as a whole lot of stuff had come up to the surface for me to work on healing, so laughter feels lovely, and I think that’s pretty much my intention for April – to stay light-hearted about whatever comes my way and meet it all with love.
I’d love to hear from you – what’s your intention for April or is there anything you’d like to know about me or like me to write about?
Sending you a ton of joy and love from my heart to yours. You are amazing and you deserve to live an amazing life.
Let’s keep looking for the joy even though some days it may be harder to see than others.
BIG LOVE
Hannah Lilly x
P.S.
Daily joy triggers that help me are…
Music
Gratitude
Fresh Air
Meditation
Eating regularly (vital to avoid hangry)
Affirmations
Time off of my phone
Laughter
Exercise
Visualisation
Naps