How I came to love myself and challenge the chaos in my head

That night when I arrived home, I thought to myself if I can’t even do this right, then what is the point? What do I have left to offer?

I was just about to turn 18 and had finished running an anti-bullying workshop in my school for students. My self-esteem was extremely low due to bullying and childhood trauma I myself had faced. I wanted to help other young people and be someone they could look up to and ask for help if they were facing any problems.

However, that night when I arrived home all I could see in my head was everything I had done wrong. I was facing other challenges at the time and this sent me over the edge. I felt completely worthless and I just broke down.

I had my first suicide attempt. My Mam found me unconscious in my room the next morning and called an ambulance. This was one of the lowest points in my life. I honestly felt as though people would be better off without me. I felt so weak and I felt that everyone would know I was a fraud.

The months that followed my suicide attempt were life lessons that I’m extremely glad I faced and managed to have the resilience to get through them. Some days felt like the lowest of low. I didn’t know how to get through them or if I had the strength to.

I knew I had to change my thoughts and behaviours. Learning to change and move away from a self-destructive path that I was on for so many years was one of the toughest things I ever had to do. It was so embedded in me to blame myself anytime something went wrong, and I didn’t know how to change this.

I reached out more and more to people. I spoke about my struggles, sometimes in unhealthy ways, as I wanted to feel validated and understood. This also became harmful because I stopped challenging myself and wanted other people to validate my worth.

However, I also knew what was right for me. I dropped out of 6th year. I did this 6 months after my suicide attempt. This was because I was putting extreme amounts of pressure on myself to prove myself academically and I also saw it as a way of proving I was a good person if I got into a good college.

I left home. I moved out of my county and stopped living with my Mam and my brother. It wasn’t a bad place to live, but it was a place I associated with my trauma and my negative thoughts. Gradually I started to get myself back and feel like I was a person worth knowing. I got my first proper job and I started a PLC course.

I changed my focus. I decided that it was not me as a person that was at fault. I realised I was focusing on the wrong things. Instead of putting my perception in balance, I decided everything I did was never good enough. Now, I focus on all the good things I have in my life, where I live, the people I live with, the friends I have, the good qualities I have and the values I share with so many wonderful people. I now focus on what makes me passionate and brings me joy.

Something I used to do a lot was apologise to my friends and family and any supports I had. I’ve slowly learned that they are comfortable with who I am – otherwise they wouldn’t be friends with me and I was the only person who had a problem with who I was and feeling good enough.

This has helped me develop myself. I began challenging what it was that was holding me back. I looked for ways I could care for myself. I began writing poetry. I tried to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. I reached out to people who I knew cared about me and I sought support in positive ways.

The days that were hardest I forgave myself.  If I messed up I knew it was only temporarily and that I could get back on track again. I stopped self-harming and punishing myself if I messed up. I learned the true meaning of self-care and how important it is that I show myself respect.

If you are struggling, I promise it is only temporary. Things can and will get better. People will always care about you and want to help – so long as you are willing to help yourself also.

My first suicide attempt was over two years ago and every day that passes I am so grateful I did not die.

The world has so much more to offer you and for you to see. Don’t give up. Life is short and it is a gift. You are important, loved and valued.

There are so many amazing resources and people to contact if you are struggling. I’ve attached a few of them here.

Pieta House: 1800247247
Text About It: 50808
Samaritans: 116 123