Email to a ‘Black Sheep’ #1

From: me
To: ‘black sheep’
12 March 2022 @ 5.25pm

Hey, how’s it going?

I’ve been thinking of you. Last time we spoke you weren’t in great form. You sounded lonely. I know the past two years have been really crap. You haven’t been able to hang out with people your own age. You were stuck at home. Stuck in your room. Stuck on-line. Now you can see them again, but maybe you’ve lost some confidence and feel some social anxiety. You say your family don’t understand you and think you are just being moody. But I know you can’t help how you feel. You’re doing your best. It’s not easy.

If you feel left out and a bit lost, you can feel like the ‘black sheep of the family’.

You know that phrase? It means a person who is a member of a group but doesn’t fit in, is seen as the odd one out. It’s an old saying going back as far as a 16th century English translation of the Bible, where there is a line in the book of Genesis about ‘all black sheep among the lambs’. In 1744 the nursery rhyme ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’ was first published. The phrase has even given its name to a theory in psychology – the ‘black sheep effect’.

The theory argues that groups make extreme judgements about their members, either positive or negative. A popular person in a group is valued the most; an unpopular person in a group is put down even lower than a stranger. Why? Because the group thinks of itself as one identity and tries to keep a positive image at any cost. The one who goes against the unwritten rules or values is a threat to that identity and image. They are painted black. They become the ‘black sheep’.

I know how heavy that sheep’s pelt can be, how stifling. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. Sometimes the weight makes it a struggle to drag yourself out of bed to start the day. There can be a constant current of anxiety filling your body and sending thoughts scudding though your brain. And I know the pain of not being seen, how lonely it can be in a crowed room.

Maybe you’ve been hurt and you wear the disguise of the ‘black sheep’, and it’s so convincing that you even fool yourself. You push people away. You isolate. People think you are unfriendly or aloof. They don’t see the low self-esteem and negative thinking. Your loneliness deepens. The night seems black and endless, and you can’t tell yourself apart from it. The wind picks up, it starts to howl, except the storm is in your head.

But just you remember – even if you feel like the ‘black sheep’, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. And even if your wool is black, your difference is OK. In fact, it’s valuable, because you are unique. It’d be a pity if we were all the same sheeple. It’s not a black and white world and there are multicoloured sheep out there.

You will find your flock, your tribe. It’ll take some time because you’re trying to figure yourself out. No hurry. Take it a day at a time. No need to jump before you can skip. Be kind to yourself. When you respect yourself, others will respect you too.

The drive to belong is a powerful survival instinct in humans. We may compromise our values to fit in and so avoid the ‘black sheep effect’, but at what cost? We may gain acceptance on a surface level but still feel invisible if it’s only a brilliant disguise.

So acknowledge and embrace the ‘black sheep’, and whatever feelings are here right now. Don’t be afraid to spend some time on your own. There you can be yourself and get to know yourself. You can listen to music, watch a film, or be creative – write a song, or a story, or put your thoughts and feelings down on paper. This is solitude, which is different from loneliness. When you are lonely you feel disconnected and sad. In solitude you connect to yourself and feel peaceful. Solitude is a secret garden where you go to rest and heal and listen to the birds sing. And when you are ready you can walk out to face the world and meet others.

Take shelter from the storm in this inner garden.

You are OK as you are. And everything is going to be OK.

When you feel like the ‘black sheep’ it can be hard to reach out to someone. Embarrassment can stop you. Thinking ‘no-one cares’ can stop you. But don’t let it. Even if it’s hard, talk to someone you trust and who is kind and listens more than they bleat. Pick up the phone, or just text, or Zoom and leave the camera off if it’s easier.

You are not alone.

Just remember, when the night seems black – nothing is black, really nothing.