Do you know who you are

For quite a long time I avoided spending any time alone at all costs. Part of the reason was depression – I simply couldn’t spend time alone without becoming lonely – but once the depression faded away I was still reluctant to be alone.

Whenever a pocket of being alone loomed on the horizon then, I filled it with busy work. I exercised in excess. I always found someone to have coffee or pints with. I put the head down in college work, and work-work when my college career ended. None of this was in an effort to chase down some would-be goal, but rather to run away from something I did not want to address.

I didn’t want to spend time alone because I had no idea how to be alone, nor who I was likely to be on my own. And I think this may be quite a common mode-of-being in the modern world.

When I was a child I could leave the house at 11AM, not be seen until 6PM, and there wouldn’t be a word said. I didn’t have a phone because children didn’t often have phones at the time. I wasn’t expected to be reachable at all hours of the day, well, because it wasn’t possible to be. It was a different time. Today, however, we are all connected – online – 24 hours a day. When I don’t respond to texts or phone calls within a few hours now, alarm bells ring. Something awful has happened surely. The worst is assumed.

Why is that?

We’ve been conditioned by technology and our modern world that always being connected is good and normal, and being disconnected is strange and unnormal. Because we are all connected to the online world nearly continuously, this has conditioned us to resist spending time alone. Most of us can’t imagine spending even an hour without our devices for fear of missing out, of boredom, of having to be with ourselves.

Our world insists that being alone is to be avoided, and this has led us to avoid spending any time alone. And because of this, we are missing out on a key component of our internal lives; truly knowing ourselves.

Spending time truly alone isn’t easy, and when you begin, it’s hard to maintain for long periods of time. Urges to reach for a phone, or to seek out another person are immediate. However spending time alone allows us to get to know ourselves better, and through this we can figure out what we want from life.

Spending time alone causes your mind to default into daydreaming, too. Once you get over the initial urges for distraction input from phones and TVs, your mind will naturally attempt to keep itself stimulated, and so spending time alone breeds a naturally occurring creativity too. Minds from Yeats to Einstein spoke extensively on the importance of solitude for the creative process.

Solitude also (and possibly counter-intuitively) allows us to become more grateful for the people in our lives. Yes, spending time away from people causes you to appreciate them. This is what happens when you miss people, for instance. For example, if you see your friend every day for a few hours, you’ll begin to take them for granted, naturally. They become a sure thing in your day-to-day life, and you understandably begin to forget how important a role they play in your wellbeing.

However, if you spend time away from this friend with yourself, you’ll understand their importance. You’ll be grateful for their presence in your life. And this is difficult to come by if you never spend any time on your own.

So, spending time alone allows us to:

• Know ourselves better
• Engage our creative instinct
• Become more grateful

Despite what the modern world conditions, solitude plays an important role in maintain our wellbeing. We are told that spending time alone is scary, and uncomfortable, and challenging. Which of course it can be. But nothing worth doing that brings benefit to our wellbeing is easy – exercise and therapy aren’t easy either – finding solitude is a difficult but worthwhile endeavour.

For quite a long time I avoided spending any time alone at all costs. Now I purposefully make time to spend time alone. And even though the world of social media may look upon me strangely for doing this, I have come to know myself better, improved my relationship with myself, and find gratitude comes more naturally than it ever has.

Do you know who you are? If not, I recommend spending some time alone, and trying to find out.