Bipolar changed me

“Mental health problems don’t define who you are. They are something you experience. You walk in the rain and you feel the rain, but, importantly, YOU ARE NOT THE RAIN.” — Matt Haig

Bipolar changed me; It changed me in ways hard to describe. I had it my whole life but the symptoms were mild enough to go unnoticed and even when they weren’t, no one knew. Not my parents, my teachers, my friends, my family or my therapists. Everyone saw me as strong with a type-A personality who sometimes got depressed or couldn’t stop working due to hyperfocus. I remember sometimes I would listen to music to help regulate my moods. But all was manageable. When I was in high school, I tried both zoloft which caused suicidal ideations then wellbutrin which caused hallucinations. No one knew that bipolar could have been the reason these antidepressants caused such a reaction. Just depression is what we thought. And even then I attributed all depression to being situational. Some of it was.

When I was 25, I quit therapy because my therapist deemed me stable. So did I. I had just left a job working with kids with autism. I was not eating or sleeping. I didn’t know it but my mental health was starting to deteriorate. I kept going and going and going and going sometimes in a manic manner where I couldn’t stop. It kept escalating, and I didn’t know what was ahead of me was a crash.

December 2015 is when it all happened. Paranoia. Hallucinations. Insomnia. Confusion. Delusion. You name it, I had it. And I wrestled with psychosis initially when I was hospitalized. Then it turned into precursory delusions or ones where I was paranoid. I thought my mom was after me, I thought the nurses were all testing me in order to prove her guilty, and I thought that I was completely fine. I wasn’t. Then, I got the diagnosis Bipolar 1 Disorder which was also atypical in its showing up because of my extreme symptoms.

I went to a Long Term Structured Residence for five months. I got better only to repeat this process all over again October 2017. My relapse caused cognitive skills to suffer because I already had dyscalculia, math and spatial ability learning disability. I had noticed dyscalculia long ago when I first tried to tie my shoes. I struggled telling time. I had trouble counting money, even though I was a teller one summer. I had to change majors in college because I had to drop a required precalculus course, not knowing I had a learning disability. Never being diagnosed until I got sick with my bipolar disorder. Then, I struggled driving, coordination while working out or dancing, drawing as I used to love art and more. The fact that bipolar affected my learning disability was something doctors and therapists had trouble understanding. I could have stayed silent just because they didn’t understand.

But I kept self advocating until I found the right med, the right team and the right state of mind.

Resilience is not easy to find in oneself. I had to go through fire it felt like to learn how to find it. Bipolar all but took me down. I was on disability. I had to rebuild my life from scratch. I had to start over again with different therapists all the time. Side effects such as lethargicness or swallowing struggles started to happen with some medications. I had to find a way through both situations. I went through many medications before I regained full stability. I didn’t think at times it would ever get better.

It took a toll on my mental health just to fight for my mental health! People think if you’re on disability, that means you’re resting. I got no rest. I had to self-advocate for a better life. I had to self advocate because of doctors not listening to me, unprofessional and condescending therapists and pills that brought their own debilitating effects, along with the bipolar.

The system can be problematic on its own. I learned that it takes a gut feeling to guide you through most of it. I kept my head down when I needed to inside the system and didn’t share my critiques. I self advocated when I knew it was possible; when I knew I could trust someone. Sometimes, I was met with indifference. Sometimes, I was highly regarded for speaking my mind. And when I confided in other mental health patients, I was met with their own lack of boundaries and inability to healthily communicate.

The aftermath of being in inpatient facilities is not something everyone focuses on or prepares you for. Still, I learned I deserved to live this life and by that inclination, started to live it. Bipolar wouldn’t destroy me, but it wouldn’t be easily resolved either. I stopped having symptoms of the mental illness but still struggled with side effects. I had to start to live again after not knowing who I was for some time. It was hard, but it was doable. It took years to find the right care, the right team- the right psychiatrist and therapist and blended case manager. And took me until 2020 to find the right pill.

I had to tell myself positive “I Am” statements. I had to reconnect with old friends after being hospitalized for so long. I learned who truly would be there for me through anything. And I finally found the right help, and that meant everything. I would be without a job for some time, but I was no longer any rush to get back to it because for a moment, I needed to figure out my life. I was able to get up again. I was able to find my way. I was able to be myself and no feel shame over the statement, “I have bipolar.”

I was discharged from my blended case manager program. I used my story by writing self-help articles and am in the process of writing four books: a new adult fiction novel, a self-help book, a memoir and a children’s book. I wrote for Forbes and Lifehack mainly and volunteered for Tiny Buddha after writing for them before. I rediscovered myself as a writer. I rediscovered myself as a person. I found purpose again.

I won the war on my mind from bipolar disorder. I self advocated so that med side effects would not trample me. I asked for better help, and I got it. I found a sense of productivity while being on disability, unable to work. I made myself a new life. And I’m proof it can be done.

We all go through difficult times. We all have mental health struggles whether we have a mental illness or not. Resilience can be found no matter happens and character can be developed. I said I won a war. It’s because it’s true. My mind was fighting against me. And I was fighting against the system in its oppressive aspects.

I had to learn I couldn’t change the entire system. I couldn’t save each person I met in the psych ward. And I couldn’t get the time back that was stolen from me due to mental illness. I had to find appreciation for the new life I had, however restless I was from being home all day on disability. I worked once on their ticket to work program, but it was mainly to raise money for book editing. I quit just before I had the relapse in 2017. I consider it a small blessing that both breakdowns I had not been working, there weren’t many witnesses and that the situation was kept completely contained. Even though I struggled in the mental health system with isolation, there were also benefits to it. No one saw me struggle. Still, I needed more humanity in it. I needed to be listened to and my struggles heard. I needed help with med side effects which were dismissed. I also needed healthier foods and a better ability to exercise. My lifestyle suffered, and as a consequence, I also did.

What I found through all of this is that sometimes persistence is the only answer. You don’t have to know what is ahead to take action. You only need to know that you are worth everything. Your life matters, and so does your story. Share your story every chance you get because you don’t know whose life you are impacting. Then, you can know that it wasn’t all in vain. Ask for help, and make sure to know that sometimes, the help will not be perfect.

Keep fighting. If you do, then you can turn it all around. You can get yourself back; like I did. It’s possible, and the fight within you may go on, but there are tools to manage it out there. Try some mindfulness. Try some yoga. Get outside. Write in a journal. Invest in your health and wellbeing. Invest in yourself. Your future doesn’t have to seem so bleak then. It is full of possibilities. Let curiosity about what could happen be your guide when you lose hope. And lastly, know that things may never be the same, you may be changed, but that you can do something about it because you are more than your circumstances, you are more than your mental health, and you are more than you could ever know. Remember that, and strive forward.