An uninvited friend

I didn’t want a new friend…after all, I hardly had time to keep up with the ones I had.  But lo and behold, she arrived unexpectedly on my doorstep one unsuspecting day and turned my world upside down. There I was, innocently gulping coffee and juggling the hundred tasks on my agenda when all of sudden I felt her in the room, sneaking her way into my life.  I knew from the start that she would be a bad influence but I didn’t realize the grip that she would have over me.  And wow was she persistent – even when I busied myself to try to avoid her, she was going nowhere.

I wouldn’t mind but she wasn’t even my type of person…we were so different, and maybe that’s what attracted her to me. I was easy prey – she caught me when I was vulnerable, emotionally fraught, lacking self-belief. She was pushy, putting ideas in my head that I’d never have dreamed of otherwise.  A bad influence my mother would have called her.  And the power she had over me was frightening.  I was always so measured, so in control, and along she came turning my orderly, picture-perfect life on its head.

I would wake in the morning and feel her there, waiting in the shadows for me. I had no interest in hanging out with her for the day but the more I tried to brush her off, the more she chased after me, making my heart race, my stomach feel sick, my jaw tighten, my legs go weak.  She made me want to get as far away from her as possible, but the harder I tried to run the more she chased.  It was pointless.

All of a sudden, everything became such an effort…the job that I enjoyed, the activities that I was involved in, the interests that I relished, the daily conversations that I participated. Even the mundane household tasks that I previously did without thinking.  I was a coper, I always had been, how could I now be overwhelmed by this?  How could I be letting her ruin everything for me?

One of the worst parts was trying to hide her from everyone because I was so embarrassed.  My family and friends would be amazed that I might choose to have someone like her in my life.  They would never understand that she wasn’t there by choice, that the more I tried to push her away or ignore her, the more she came back, louder and pushier than ever.

I did manage to escape her for a few months. Don’t ask how I managed it. If I knew how, I could use the same approach every time I wanted to escape. And where did she find me again? Abroad on holidays. It was then that I knew there was no getting away from her.  It was then that I realized I had to befriend her, accept her for what she was and acknowledge that she was now part of my life and that I’d have to learn how to live with her. I had to get to know her better, I had to learn how to relax in her company – not ignore her crazy ideas, her dark influence and the way she made me feel but accept it all instead.

I eventually decided to confide in someone, to try and come up with a plan to deal with her. This person had experience with friends like mine and we would regularly talk about how to befriend someone that was so alien to everything I knew.  I had already figured out that she didn’t like nature, she didn’t like exercise, she didn’t like rest or sleep or meditation Any form of escapism didn’t seem to suit her destructive personality.  So I discovered that I could find refuge from her when I needed it – that was some solace at least – until she invariably found me again.

Over time, she seemed to become more disinterested in me.  She would appear every now and then but when I’d feel her presence I wouldn’t panic like I used to, I wouldn’t ignore her. I’d accept that she was here for a visit, and although I wouldn’t welcome her per se, I would acknowledge that she was around and adjust my plans accordingly.  I’d spend more time doing what she disliked – the walking, the meditation, the lounging around, the sleeping, the clean living –  and soon enough she would move on to someone else – someone with more excitement and adrenaline in their life than me.

Now, believe it or not, when I look back I’m actually grateful that she chose me.  She exposed a lot of things that I didn’t realize about myself.  She forced me to deal with past traumas that I never even knew existed.  She pushed me to change my priorities in life, to savour the simple pleasures, embrace the moment.  She made me realize how strong I actually am.  She preyed on me when I was vulnerable but she underestimated me – I think I underestimated myself.  Now I know that I have the power to deal with her – and others like her.  I know that this power comes from within and nobody can ever take it from me.

With this new insight, I will move forward.