In life, I believe we can categorise our conversations into 2 neat piles; things that we tell our best friend that we should really apply to ourselves and things that we say to ourselves that we would never dream of saying to our best friend.
I think we have all been guilty of applying one set of rules to our good friends, and another set of rules to our own life. The question is, how do we leave low self-esteem, insecurity and our inner critic behind and begin a journey of becoming our own best friend?
I remember preparing for a big talk and reflecting on past events that triggered the – at times – over whelming self-loathing, low self-esteem and anxiety I experienced all the up to my mid-twenties; there was that one a boy made fun of my legs when I was wearing a short dress and another time an old boyfriend said I would be so much prettier if I lost a little weight. I wasn’t asked to be a 6th year prefect in school and I was deeply disappointed with my leaving certificate and college exam results despite working my ass off. I tasted failure and rejection, and it scared me.
When I reflect on these events my heart stings, but I knew I wasn’t being completely honest with myself, and in turn the people who would seek me out for advice and support.
So, for the first time ever I wrote on a piece of paper the truth; “I have failed, made mistakes, felt humiliated and foolish. I have been called fat by boys and girls have made fun of me. I have been rejected, laughed at and judged. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has been more hurtful, degrading or painful as the things that I have said to myself – the thoughts I have played on repeat, over and over again in my mind.”
Even to this day, when I think about how hard it was to be this honest with myself, my heart grows so heavy, weighed down with shame. I suffered so much because I had no idea how to be kind to myself.
The problem was not the mean boys, rejection or failure. The problem was that I didn’t know how to respond to myself in my moments of pain or suffering. I didn’t know how to sooth my own pain, or nurture my self-esteem.
For me, positive reflection through writing and later though a journaling practice has made a real impact on my life by showing me the power of self-compassion.
Journaling has become sacred to me, giving me space to reflect, take stock of my feelings and check-in with myself. It often feels like I am catching up with an old friend or touching base with my inner child. Instead of just switching off at the end of the day in front of Netflix or distracting myself with the latest audio book whilst walking my dog Lizzie, I check in with myself.
Journaling has also had one other incredible impact on my lie.
When I feel on the brink of fear I nurture a dialogue that, when I describe to people, has stopped people in their tracks.
I talk to my inner critic with the love and kindness my good friends deserve, “Hi B, I hear you and see you. I am so sorry you are in pain and I know this is really difficult for you. Tell me, what’s up? What can I do to help you?”
I talk to myself with love, kindness, compassion, unconditional support and a positive attitude.
I’ve discovered that what I need most is not just to be heard, but to be at the receiving end of the love, devotion and positive energy I give to others. This all started because one day I gave myself permission to write down how I felt and lean into it, to really feel it.
It doesn’t matter how busy you are, even with just 2 minutes a day, you can learn to use self-compassion in everyday life, and nurture your own self esteem.
I am so proud that my journal, Be Your Own Best Friend might do the same for you as well. It is a daily journal for building self-esteem and using compassion in everyday life for women (but as many men have bought it as well) put together to show you how you can become your own best friend and leave low self-esteem, insecurity and your inner critic behind.
I hope you enjoy your journey to becoming your own best friend, one page, one conversation and one day at a time.
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