The path to healing requires commitment

I lay silently against the hospital sheets watching the doctors discussing me.

“It’s been three weeks and there is no improvement, we need to operate, remove the ulcerated part of her bowel and she may need to get a colostomy bag.” And with that my file was snapped shut and they wandered to the next patient. My eyes followed them as they left and I realised I was invisible to them.

I was a shy child growing up and when I was eleven my parents bought a supermarket, a family business, and we upped sticks and left the city for a smaller town. I went from being an anonymous girl in a big city to being known in a small town and quickly learned how to smile and be nice to everyone.

Suddenly being invisible wasn’t an option and over my teenage years I wished for it, the anonymity of being who I wanted to be without question, without judgment, without my every move being watched. University gave me an element of it although it also came with an introduction to alcohol on a scale I hadn’t experienced before. The illness that had began in my Leaving Cert year intensified. It became a seemingly never-ending cycle of self-destruction. I remember being doubled over in pain so I would drink more to numb it and yet the more I drank the worse the ulcers. The alcohol helped me block it out whilst also making my body physically more ill.

That day, in the hospital in 2001, I woke up. I realised I wanted to have a say in how I dealt with this illness. I no longer wanted to be invisible. Ulcerative colitis is inflammation in the bowel and it’s not an attractive disease. There were days it led to embarrassing situations and I cultivated a huge sense of shame towards myself. I made it mean something about me; “No-one would find me attractive with an illness like this. I can’t be active and fit like other people as it affects my body… and so on” the list of things I blamed my illness for became exhaustive.

Somewhere along the way though I began to recognise the pain wasn’t just physical, there was something deeper going on inside. Drinking helped to numb my deep-seated fears and vulnerability and it allowed me to step away from dealing with what my reality was. The doctors didn’t operate on me. With the support of my parents I convinced them to let me take their advice whilst also trying alternative therapies. Over the years that followed I fell in and out of the healing. Drinking seemed to be my crutch through it all. I began to get tired of the embarrassing and sometimes unsafe situations I got myself into, waking up most mornings cringing at my behaviour or worse, having to phone a friend for an update of what I had got up to.

Choosing the path to heal means committing.

In 2007 I walked into a yoga studio in Sydney, Australia. I was 27 and to everyone on Facebook, I was living the dream. Life looked pretty awesome and I should have been happy and content. I wasn’t. That day was different. I felt nervous walking up the stairs to the studio. I signed up to the intro deal and it changed my life. I had done yoga on and off over the years but there was an intensity to this practice that I hadn’t experienced before. I committed to it wholeheartedly. In that moment a light switched on inside of me and I stopped drinking.

I started a relationship with MYSELF.

I wanted to get to know me, Aoife, the person I live with every day. I wanted to know what her likes and dislikes were, what she believed in, her values, what made her jump out of bed in the morning and say YES to life. I wanted to know who she was underneath her bright brilliant smile. That smile was a great mask and one that I had to let go of in order to heal.

My attitude began to change and I took responsibility for my part in what had been happening in my body and in my life. I started to be honest with myself and with others. And as with any journey once I began to change, the challenges appeared. The more honest I was with others and myself, the more layers I had to peel away. There were hard truths I had to hear. There were friendships and family relationships I had to recreate. I had done a great job of remaining invisible, not only to others, but also to myself over the years and it was time to show the real me. And it’s a constant work in progress. There are days I feel the mask slide on and feel frustrated. Those are the days to stop, take a moment and ask what I need. It may be yoga, meditation, time with a friend or a walk in nature.

I have learned that healing is a one-step-at-a-time journey of daily commitments that help us come to a place of acceptance. It is unconditional love that takes practice. It is opening our eyes and seeing the beauty within.

You can be whoever you want to be in this world. Choose to embrace the beauty you are already and allow yourself to shine.