Life is good. When you have a family. When you have friends. When you have someone who loves you. When you have a job you love.
But some days are harder than others. Some days you know life is good, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t see it, you can’t feel it. Some days you just don’t want to do anything.
Some days, I don’t want to get up in the mornings. And not your normal I don’t want get up. I mean I literally cannot see the benefit to anyone by me going out into the world today.
I don’t want to try to survive on a few hours of toss and turning sleep. I want to be able to go to bed and sleep without have my mind turn into a washing machine.
I don’t want to make meaningless conversation. I don’t want to eat my lunch wishing people couldn’t see me. I want to talk to my co-workers, and listen, and be there in body and mind.
I don’t want to put on a fake smile and try not to cry. I don’t want to have to avoid eye contact with people in case they see that I could break down at any minute and not be able to stop. I want to genuinely smile and feel it all through my body.
I don’t want to listen to music and not hear it. I don’t want to have to read a page and get half way down when I realise I have no clue what I just read. I don’t want to stare aimlessly at the television not knowing what channel I am even on. I want to take it in.
I don’t want to worry about what I am doing in my life. I want to accept that I cannot change the past and cannot predict the future. I want to be happy in the present.
I don’t want to worry about what other people think of me. I don’t want to question every move and every word I said after I’m with people. I want to be able to realise that you can’t please everyone. I want to know that trying my best is enough.
I don’t want to have sick feelings in my stomach. That feeling. Not the feeling of butterflies fluttering, but of hippos doing cartwheels that make you feel like you can’t breathe.
I don’t want to second guess what my friends are thinking. I don’t want to think people who love me actually can’t stand me. I want to take them as they are, love them as much I can and be grateful for the love they give back.
I don’t want to doubt myself at my job. I don’t want to think I am the worst at what I do and everyone knows it. I want to know in my heart that I do my best every day and would do anything for the children I teach.
I don’t want to feel immense pain. The pain of crying so hard because you feel like someone has punched you full force in the stomach. I don’t want to sit on the bathroom floor trying to get my breath back, trying to calm myself, trying to believe I can actually survive this attack.
I don’t want to feel numb. Like I’m just here. I’m just being. Not feeling anything, not happy, not sad or angry, just being.
But during all of this, I try my best to remind myself how much I want to fight through these moments, these hours, days, weeks. I have to. I try to remind myself that I am loved, and I am valued. And I remind myself to be grateful for what I do have.
So I get up, get dressed and keep going. I have to, because the most important thing I want in life is simple.
I want to live.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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