I was first attracted by meditation because I wanted to find out more about myself, to try to get to know myself on a deeper level and to get to know different parts of myself that needed to be dealt with. That included, as I found out, the parts that made me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to find a way to work with those parts of myself. However, I was never able to develop a daily practice at home.
First Retreat
That journey brought me to my first experience at a meditation retreat centre. My first retreat was like a rollercoaster. For example, over the first few days, I experienced contrasting states of being very happy and very sad. It was a constant mix of emotions. It was also the first time I got real instructions from someone who knew what they were talking about, from someone who knew what to expect, what to do. Especially in terms of being aware, to know what to be aware of, whether that is thoughts or the posture of the body. That made a world of difference to my practice.
Just being able to sit with myself on a daily basis, I was able to encounter myself including my different aspects. Eventually I even came across aspects of myself that I didn’t really like or that I didn’t want to admit were there. It wasn’t until I really sat with those aspects that I had the space to see them and to really experience it. Of course it was difficult, especially the emotional turmoil, but just by bringing awareness to it, I somehow feel like I was able to let go on some level. If I didn’t bring awareness to these aspects then they can unconsciously affect my life, so though it might feel difficult it’s more difficult in the long run hiding them away. By bringing awareness to them in a non-judgemental way, we can then let them go. That letting go was a huge thing that happened while I was at my first retreat.
Benefits
The great thing about doing a retreat is that you can actually learn a very useful way to meditate and it’s not like watching a video on YouTube or online, you can talk to someone face to face. You really get a chance to learn from people who have done a lot of meditation, a lot of retreats themselves. So it’s very experiential, you get to truly experience it on a deeper level. It’s not like reading it on a computer screen or out of a book. It’s a real opportunity to put what you are learning into practice.
Working with myself
If you’re feeling the need to connect with yourself spending a few days on retreat is a very good thing to do. It can eliminate some of the doubt that “I might be doing this wrong” or “am I doing this right”. Because a lot of the time when I started meditating at home that was one of the things that I was faced with, that I wasn’t doing it right. When you attend a retreat you can get feedback, you can give your own feedback and you can find out the way to do it and that’s very powerful. It’s also powerful to be in a group of people together meditating. I think there’s something about meditating in a group that can be more inspiring. Getting the basics or the foundation on the retreat and then bringing that home with you and integrating your practice makes all the difference.
No worries
If a retreat is something you would like to do but are worried or anxious about it, I would say it’s completely normal. As one of the teachers on a retreat I did recently said about meditation, “just bring yourself to the cushion, bring yourself to the chair”. If you can do that, you’re more than half way there. The first thing has to be to say that I want to attend the retreat or I want to make a positive change in my life and I want to be around like-minded people who I can meet and have a conversation with. What I often find when I do attend retreats is when I talk to people, I find we are all on the same boat and you’re not on your own, you’re not isolated, everyone is trying to get to know themselves on a deeper level, everyone has that anxiety, everyone has that fear. We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves that space to enjoy a few days, to just chill out and take a break from your thoughts.
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