Recently, I found myself under verbal attack from a stranger. The incident came as a bolt out of the blue, with no warning. I had just received a standing ovation after giving an open and honest speech about my own life to a huge audience when this person approached me and proceeded to inform me about everything that was wrong with my talk as well as criticising me for not speaking properly.
Whilst all this was happening I remained utterly silent until after a few more minutes of this verbal assault continued with no sign of ending. I then weakly uttered that I had to use the bathroom and thanked her for her comments. I then rushed off in a state of shock, head down with every inch of my body shaking. After that, it didn’t matter that everyone came up to me all night, congratulating me for what they said was a deeply moving speech.
Even now days later, it wasn’t the words that the person had used in confronting me, which so deeply affected me to my core. It was actually my own passive acceptance of them and my reluctance to challenge this attack as it was taking place, which was so disappointing and disempowering. It was my inability to have courage in the moment which profoundly hurt so much.
This powerlessness in relation to being assertive, is something I have struggled with my entire life. Whilst I have always been a strong advocate for others professionally, and spoken on behalf of individuals and groups who are undermined, like many, I have been consistently incapable of advocating for myself on a personal level.
Yet I think it is something that affects everyone at some stage in our career or life. Most of us at one point or another will have been unjustifiably confronted by a colleague in the office, irrationally raged at by a partner or gotten into a screaming match with a relative intent on hurting us – where we have felt voiceless and powerless to respond.
Whilst this affects all of us to a greater or lesser extent at all stages, I think the inability to be assertive in the moment is something young people in particular, may struggle with. It is ironic in my own case, given my organisation Future Voices works with teenagers empowering them to find their voices. This can be even more profound when you come from a background with many barriers to overcome, like many of the young people I work with.
For generations, it has been deeply ingrained in our psyche for young people not to challenge those older than you, or indeed the ‘system’, even when it is clear you are being treated unfairly by either. Add in to the mix, coming from a marginalised background, and it is often easier to just keep quiet and keep your head down and not ‘start any trouble’, rather than responding. The trouble with keeping quiet, is it eats away at you with the resulting knock on effect that your already fragile, confidence shatters even further.
So how can you be assertive in the moment and reclaim your power as this is happening?
- First of all, as it is occurring, think about whether objectively the attack is warranted. Is what they are saying true and secondly, even if it is, is it being said with the intention to hurt or is it coming from a place of care?
- A good way to determine this, is to put yourself in the shoes of a bystander, if you were a stranger looking in on this, how would it come across?
- Next, it is important to keep your emotions in check before you respond. Try and remain calm, and imagine yourself removed from the situation, as you mentally gather the words to speak up.
- Finally, imagine you are somebody whom you greatly admire, who is responding calmly and using similar wise words to what they would use in a similar situation.
- Afterwards, we often have a tendency to dwell on such situations. It is important in the aftermath not to blame yourself. Talking to others is also very important about what occurred, in putting some perspective on the situation.
Equally as important, if you were not able to respond as the attack or moment of injustice was taking place, remember that there is always an opportunity to reclaim your power afterwards, even if it is days, weeks or months later. When the time feels right, address the issue. Closure is important and it ensures you can ultimately move forward in the knowledge that bad behaviour has not gone unchallenged, which is hugely empowering.
On the journey towards gaining assertiveness, each of these individual experiences are great opportunities to learn and to grow as a person. So whilst it may take a few such incidences, eventually there will probably come a turning point, when it will be easier to address such intimidating behaviour.
In terms of taking my own advice, the opportunity to rectify my previous radio silence fortuitously presented itself the same evening, as the person in question drunkenly approached me again at the end of the night, to have a second go. This time I was ready for it. In my sober state, with more apparent conviction that confidence, I told her calmly and assertively that the behaviour was not acceptable and that my work with young people meant I had a duty to empower myself and call out her bad behaviour. I then walked away with my head held high in the knowledge that I had finally reclaimed my power.
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