Obligation has a lot to answer for

We live in a world full of doing, always rushing around trying to get everything we need to get done in a day, working hard, doing errands, making sure everything is alright with our family, our friends, the world. But what about us? Quite often, many of us feel exhausted, stressed, worn out and unfulfilled. We have lists and lists of things we ‘should’, ‘must’ and ‘need’ to do in a day. But what about the things we want to do?

Obligation has a lot to answer for! One, we don’t necessarily end up spending our time how we want and; two, it can create a lot of anxiety in day to day life. We end up creating an internal criticising and disciplining dialogue of ‘shoulds’ and guilt over not doing something which we believe would satisfy or appease someone else. Unfortunately, we can often be kind to others and cruel to ourselves. Show yourself the same kindness and compassion you would show someone else. Honour yourself first. Be selfish.

You don’t need to justify or explain this to anyone – just do whatever rocks your world. We see movies, read books, hear stories of people doing extreme things that somehow get defined as ‘really living’. But for me, it is simple things – sitting by the fire reading a book, spending half the day in a cafe, sitting in the sun. It doesn’t need to be big or bold it just needs to be something for you, something that you enjoy – it can take 5 minutes. It took me a long time to battle through the inherent Irish-ness in my head to allow myself the time for this, but I’m here and it’s very calming, empowering and fulfilling! And most importantly, it’s what I choose.

We are constantly assessing people, circumstances and experiences as we are sub-consciously always looking to feel safe in the world.   Having our own security in life is inherently important to us but unfortunately it can also lead us to certain behaviours which do not always serve us well and can affect how we’re choosing to live our life. Part of what helps to make us feel safe is people or things.

In Ireland, we have a strong connection to our tribe, our family, our people, rather than material things. Having people around us is part of what makes us feel safe. Unfortunately, this can become out of balance and we can compromise ourselves regularly to keep the tribe in our life. We are very prone to excessive responsibility taking – feeling like there’s always things we ‘should’ be doing, places we ‘should’ be, we ‘should’ never let anyone down. We go out of our way to suit other people to our own detriment. We’re just too damn nice! We all work so hard and are always so busy, there has to be space for something else. We naturally have a lot of obligations in life, but are they all really necessary?

If you feel you are constantly doing things you don’t really want to do you may need to assess what you are doing, why you are doing these things and who you are spending your time with. I am not suggesting we abandon all responsibility and do exactly what we want to do in life, hurting all around us. But maybe sometimes it is okay to say no, to stay at home and rest, to do something else instead that you would prefer to do. If you have the right people in your life, this will not be an issue. More importantly, if you have the right people in your life, these things will no longer feel like obligation.

Discover what feels good and important to you and hold your focus on it. When you are feeling happy, relaxed and light, you are on the right track. Learn to recognise and remember that feeling and recreate it often. Also become conscious of what you don’t want, what doesn’t make you feel good – develop that connected relationship with yourself and learn to differentiate. Appreciate and respect yourself and your time. This can take courage and time but the rewards are so worth it. Ask yourself: what would I love to do today? For me this is successful living. In essence, time is the only real commodity we have, so it is crucial how you spend your days.

Life can run away with us, so it is important to keep intervening – slow down and deliberately create the life you want. Assess: are you enjoying yourself? Relaxed? Happy? Do whatever you can to give yourself the life you want. Be fulfilled. Do something every day that makes your heart sing!