Your three spoons of sugar: childhood and mental health

Were you beaten as a child? (If you answered yes, it wouldn’t be uncommon). “Baiting” an Irish child was a common occurrence on the Emerald Isle. A quick slap across the arse there, a few waves of the back hand here – keep the children in line, you know? Screaming, shouting and feeding a child’s emotion away is also just as common. (And we wonder why the place is riddled with depression and anxiety). Effectively, this means, we have been taught to suppress our emotions.

I mean, Irish Dad’s avoid crying because once upon a time it meant you’d get a belt across the head. So, you know…

Let’s say your parents screamed at you whenever you were crying, then there’s a good chance you’ve learned to suppress sadness. “I haven’t cried in years” – sound familiar? Of course you haven’t, you’ve the fear of God in you like – Literally, because there was probably a cross waved in your face when you were being roared at to shut up. Effectively this means, you have suppressed the emotion of sadness. Welcome depression.

If your parents frequently screamed the heads off one another, then there’s a good chance you’ve learned to suppress fear. Because telling them to stop may have resulted in them turning on you. “I’m so bad with confrontation” . Yes, of course you are. You run for the hills when you see people arguing because you’re scared shitless. Effectively this means, you have suppressed the emotion of fear. Welcome anxiety.

The same applies if your parents fed you sweets to silence you – there’s a good chance you turn to food for comfort. “I just can’t lose the weight” – Well of course you can’t, if you were taught that food will comfort you when you’re upset, then how the hell are you going to be a healthy weight? Getting upset and angry is a forever occurrence, you know. Welcome disordered eating.

But of course, I didn’t come up with this theory purely through imagination. I discovered this wonderful information through therapy. It’s commonly referred to as “Inner Child” therapy. When I was suffering from anxiety and depression, general unhappiness and chaosity (I made that word up), I went and got myself some therapy. In other words, I went and paid a person to teach me how to express emotion, at 25 years of age.

Simply put – When I was a child I was unhappy and chaotic. As such, when I was 25 years old I was unhappy and chaotic. But why? Well, despite the very real trauma of being a middle child (that’s sarcasm, kind of), my parents did not know any healthy coping mechanisms. As such, neither did I. But of course that doesn’t mean they didn’t do their best, they did. Hat tip to the parentals for surviving. They grew up in “Old Ireland”. And we all know what that means.

So before anyone goes off to find their parents and kill them (been there, it doesn’t work), let us consider their childhoods, and the childhoods of our grandparents.

Let’s consider a childhood of Madeline laundries, predators priests, alcoholic parents and abusive teachers. So, beatings in school, sexual abuse by priests and nuns. Emotional suppression. As such, children with suppressed emotion grew up and raised more children with suppressed emotion. Monkey see, monkey do, you know? And there’s nothing we can do about it. The past is the past, but let us consider breaking the chain, yeah? Anyone?

Let’s discuss “The Entitled Millenials”. Well, yeah, of course they are entitled. Their parents (off the back of abusive childhoods) gave them everything they ever wanted. “I swear to the Lord baby Jesus that I’ll never do to my child what was done to me”. The Millenials were promised they’d be the best (or expected to be the best). I don’t know about you, but I’m of the opinion that being the actual best would be a bit hard to achieve? No? I mean, that’s a lot of pressure like. (And we wonder why they suffer with anxiety) *Pause for rose coloured glasses to be removed. Welcome compassion, if you will.

An Irish parent could easily be forgiven for this. I mean, if you grew up getting the head kicked off you with barely any food to eat (because your father had drank the money in the pub), you’d be forgiven for spoiling your own child, wouldn’t you? Equally, if you were beaten, screamed at or fed when you were emotional, it wouldn’t be “insane” to consider that you’d do it to your own child. All behaviour is learned behaviour. Nobody comes out of the womb knowing that a chocolate bar or vodka will instantly soothe your pain, do they?

There’s no blame or shame here lads.

We all did our best.

Because of this, learning how to “parent” yourself through therapy is important – if you want happiness and peace within your life, you know? Especially if you are suffering with anxiety, depression or addiction. If you want to figure out why you’re suffering, work with a therapist to rediscover your childhood. The answers are there, trust me.

If you really consider how many of the current adults of Ireland express their emotions, you’ll know that emotional suppression is alive and kicking. Talking about such stuff is kept for those drink fuelled nights when poor Betty or Bob got a bit “emotional” – Let it never be spoken of again. Sinful stuff altogether.

Parenting yourself is much like the modern day phenomenon of “self-care” and “self-love”. Except it isn’t just salt baths and spa trips (devastated when I learned that). Parenting yourself means fixing your broken parts – and we all have them. You may not have been psychically or sexually abused, but there’s a good chance that if you escaped those two, you’ve been emotionally or mentally abused. To put it in Irish catholic terms – we’ve all got “a cross to carry”, you know? Hon Jesus for that one.

When my mother and I are discussing this stuff, we refer to it as “Your three spoons of sugar”. You see, my mother puts three spoons of sugar in her tea. That’s every cup of tea, with three spoons of sugar. Awful isn’t it? Compassion, not judgement lads. And she’ll tell you herself – “My father used to have the tea ready on the table, with three spoons of sugar in it” – Learned behaviour. And she literally has never even considered it to be a bit excessive, until I started explaining to her that parents ruin lives like.

So what I’m saying is, what’s “Your three spoons of sugar”? If you find yourself struggling to limit your sugar intake, absolutely riddled with anxiety or depression, then you can be sure the reason is back there, somewhere in your childhood.

Now this all sounds very simple. And in theory, it is. But try and remember those situations from your childhood? Most of us will find that we can’t. “Ah, I don’t remember anything before the age of 9” – Sound familiar? Of course you don’t, why on earth would you want to remember being beaten, screamed or shouted at. Or sitting in the corner of your bedroom with 4 chocolate bars eating your pain away. Or maybe you didn’t have parents? Maybe you did and they were never at home? Remembering this stuff is horrific. It’s upsetting and if you have a choice not to remember, then why would you? But here’s the thing, you may not remember, but the broken child inside of you does. The broken child is sending you to the wine, the pizza, the drugs, the sex, the gambling, the beating of your own child. The broken child inside is the part of you that has anxiety or depression.

And if you allow yourself to work with a therapist and go back there, you may just find out why you take three spoons of sugar in your tea.