When I asked my class of 31 ten year olds recently ‘Who has experienced stress in their lives?’ every single hand went up.
We then shared stories of the different events or situations which caused them stress. There was a huge variety, from feeling the nerves and pressure before a big match or performance of some type, to worrying about family members who might be unwell. Some of them felt stressed about becoming teenagers and starting secondary school, even though this is a few years away for them.
They also said they felt stressed sometimes because of arguments or disagreements with their friends. We discussed the physical signs of stress. Most of them had all felt the usual signs, including a racing heartbeat, sweaty palms and butterflies in their tummies. I shared my own stories, and pretty quickly we established that stress is part of everyday life. They also expressed general opinions about not liking stress, and feeling that it was not a good thing to be stressed.
I then asked them to think about a recent event that had caused them stress, and to try to figure out the reason why they had felt stressed. I was interested to find out whether they could see that we usually get stressed about things which we care about, or are related to our personal goals. They saw this connection, and then I asked ‘Would you be prepared to give up football / drama / close friendships to avoid stress?’ They thought about it for a while, and the consensus was no. Being able to make this link when we start to feel stressed is one of the things we can do to help us deal better with our stress response. Realising that our stress is connecting us with something we care about is one of the ways that allows us to see the positive side of stress. Being able to see that stress can have a positive, as well as a negative side is one of the main protective factors against its potentially harmful effects.
Dr. Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist at Stanford University, has studied the effects of stress. She suggests that we need to seriously reconsider how we think about it. In her book The Upside of Stress- Why stress is good for you and how to get good at it, Dr. McGonigal presents fascinating research on this new science of stress. In it, she shares the amazing finding that it is not stress per se which is harmful, but the belief that it is solely toxic and harmful which does the damage. The messages we are often bombarded with, which tell us solely that stress is something which is really bad for us and is to be avoided where possible, have a severely negative effect on our health.
One piece of research which she shares shows that when people were presented with the message that stress is harmful to health, and then underwent an induced stress test, their bodies, as expected, showed elevated levels of cortisol. Cortisol is a vital hormone, but continued elevated levels of it are harmful. Another group of participants were presented with the message that stress can improve performance and enhance well-being. After the stress test, their bodies also showed elevated cortisol levels, but also produced more DHEA, a hormone which helps to counteract the effects of cortisol, enhance immune function and help the brain to grow from stressful experiences.
This new science of stress shows us that the stress response can bring many benefits to us on a physiological and a psychological level. It is through becoming aware of these potential benefits that we can harness them. It’s such an important and simple message to teach our children at an early age so that they can start to work with their stress, and not develop avoidance or anxiety related issues around it. I simplify the message for them by giving them the following information:
- Scientists have discovered that the way we think about stress can help our bodies and minds to cope better with stress.
- When we remind ourselves about the benefits of stress, we produce hormones which can help our bodies and minds feel stronger.
- When we start to feel our hearts beating fast and butterflies in our tummies because we are stressed, it is helpful for us to remember that these are signs that our bodies are trying to help us to deal with the challenge ahead. Our bodies are getting excited and energised- what is a good way to use this energy? Have you ever felt your stress helping you like this?
- Try to use this new information when you start to get stressed in the future and see how it makes you feel.
Changing our attitudes to stress can help us to harness it in the pursuit of meaning, self-efficacy, connection and personal values. We can help our children to embrace it rather than to panic at the first sign of it, and try to avoid it. We can send them the message that life’s challenges and adventures will certainly involve stress, and that we believe in their ability to cope with that. We can then help them to develop the inner resources they need to feel strong, reach their full potential and thrive.