Parenting is a complete rollercoaster ride from conception to forever. Nothing can match up to creating a human being and witnessing their emerging personalities as they develop into proper little people learning about the world for the first time. Nothing compares to their little arms hugging you tightly for dear life.
Nothing can prepare you either for how challenging it can be. It takes such a toll on you as a person, including lack of sleep, little or no time for yourself, increased worries, new strains on relationships and finances, and the huge responsibility of nurturing a child from infancy to adulthood. And the messy house and noise levels to boot! Your whole sense of self has to shift in a major way to adapt and survive the bumpy journey.
Our roles as parents are multi-faceted and go well beyond providing for our children’s basic needs for shelter, food and education. We play a crucial role in helping our children to regulate their emotions, which requires a lot of self-control and an ability to regulate our own emotions. Emotional regulation is fundamental for the development of resilience and wellbeing in our children so it is well worth the investment.
Here is an anecdote or “flashpoint moment” from my own experience which represents the unpredictability of a day looking after children, which many of you will identify with:
On said crazy parenting day, my daughter aged 4 had an almighty tantrum in a play centre when I took a piece of blu tack away from her which she had been dearly attached to. I explained that she may lose it only for another child to potentially choke on it, but no good. The crying went on and on and on…
And just when I thought she had stopped, it went on some more, with the whole place looking at us or so I thought. It took everything in me to keep calm and to be reasonable. Silly was I to think that the afternoon would surely improve.
What followed was a full on show down with her younger sister aged 2 who refused to eat any of her dinner. After a gazillion attempts of getting her to eat some carrot in exchange for her bottle of milk, nothing worked and there followed more screaming…
By this stage in the day, I felt emotionally and physically depleted as I found it really difficult to contain my daughters’ emotions, as well my own. Sometimes I feel traumatised by the end of such a day, my mind and body numb and in desperate need of some “me” time.
In my example, my daughters’ emotions were all over the place and what they needed from me was a calm and measured approach to help them to tolerate the emotional intensity of their feelings and to bring their stress chemicals back to base rate.
Two words which can really help parents to relieve the pressure are “It’s OKAY”. During a “flashpoint moment”, instead of thinking “my child should behave” or “I should be able to manage this better”; try telling yourself “It’s OKAY. All toddlers have tantrums. All parents have tough moments. This moment will pass”. After all, you are only human and it is OKAY…
To be a calm, loving and empathic parent you need to take good care of yourself. This means recognising your feelings and the time you need to restore mental and physical balance. We cannot care for our children unless we get the time to recharge our batteries.
Every one of us has a different “recharge” mechanism and it is a matter of finding what works for you and really prioritising the time to do it. Replenishing your “emotional fuel” is an essential parenting skill in your role as your children’s “emotional regulator”.
Your aim is to establish pathways in their brains which will enable them to do this for themselves in the future. Without this type of responsive caregiving, children can have later difficulties in forming friendships, in reading emotions, and in developing empathy.
Whilst physical forms of discipline are known to have negative psychological effects on children, your child will not suffer long-lasting effects if on occasion you “lose your cool” (e.g. raise your voice, get angry, lose patience). What is important is to acknowledge what happened, apologise to them, and try to respond more calmly in future.
Losing your cool is as a clear sign that you are in desperate need of some headspace away from your children to be able to replenish your stores, even if just for a 5 minute “pit stop”, until you can get some proper relaxation in. Leaving a situation helps me to gain much needed perspective, almost like a re-setting of my brain enabling a calmer response.
Remaining calm will be easier if you can recognise the “flashpoint” situation for what it is, step out of the room, or ask for help. It will also be more manageable if you prioritise regular time away from your children to nurture your own needs.
“It’s when children are most difficult to love that they most need to feel loved”. Absolutely but what is missing is the acknowledgement that it is near impossible to respond to your children in a calm and reasonable way if you do not recognise your signs of stress and look after yourself as “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.
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