“On an airplane, an oxygen mask descends in front of you. What do you do? As we all know, the first rule is to put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. Only when we first help ourselves can we effectively help others. When your needs are taken care of, the person you care for will benefit, too”.
What does “giving care” mean?
When someone you love becomes ill, you naturally want to care and support them. Giving care can often be seen as providing physical care to someone who loses their independence due to illness.
However, not everyone who is ill loses their independence, so the care-giving role really does vary from person to person. Whatever that role becomes, it’s important to know that for you, the caregiver it’s often a new, unknown, even scary place you find yourself in.
While giving care, it’s normal to put your own needs and feelings aside. But putting your needs aside for a long time is not good for your health, mental or physical. You need to take care of yourself, too. If you don’t, you may not be able to care for your loved one. Here, I hope you find some practical tips and help that support you wherever you are right now in this care-giving journey.
Coming to terms with a diagnosis as a family
Facing a cancer diagnosis in your family is possibly one of the biggest challenges in your life to date. You and your loved ones need all the guidance and support possible to create the best healing environment for you all. When you have had time to absorb the news, it really is good to make some sort of plan. Now remember, becoming a caregiver and doing your best is not about being perfect. No individual and no family are perfect! Often too, a cancer diagnosis brings family members back into contact with each other which can naturally bring its own stresses.
It does give a good sense of direction if you can develop some form of open communication within your own circle before you open up to the wider community. In other words, you may need to get your own head around the news first before having to deal with other people reactions.
Asking for and accepting help
Believe it or not, one of the hardest things we struggle with is this one. It’s funny really, because we would be the first to offer help when the shoe is on the other foot. I’m sure when people have asked if they can be of help to you, how often have you replied, “Thank you, but I’m fine” You may not wish to “burden” others or admit that you can’t handle everything yourself.
When you are facing into a serious illness it’s good to take all the help you can get, remember by doing this you are making people feel useful.
Lists
You are now in an unknown world of endless appointments, hospital visits and information overload and you won’t remember it all.
Start writing everything down in the one place – your diary or smartphone, whatever works for you i.e. appointments, dates, questions to ask, worries etc.
Make a list of names as people offer help and even a list of what you need most to make life easier. Don’t be shy about allocating jobs to friends, maybe let them choose from your list.
They want to help – so accept and embrace it. Donʼt wait until you are overwhelmed and exhausted. Reaching out for help when you need it, is a real sign of personal strength. You are doing your best, you and your family do not have to perfect.
Self Care
Remember, it is not selfish to focus on your own needs when you are a caregiver—it’s an important part of the job. Only you, are responsible for your own self care. Initially, it goes without saying, all the attention will focus on the person who is ill and that’s understandable.
Your natural reaction will tend to overdo and over think everything. Of course you want to fix and make everything better. Hopefully reading this and getting support will help you to become aware of these feelings and how to manage them.
Get proper rest and eat well. Take some time off, even if its only for 10 minutes. Exercise regularly, even if its only for 10 minutes. Allow yourself some head space, read a good book, take a warm bath, watch some silly TV. Whatever it is that relaxes you… do it as much as you can. Check out what support services are in your area. Use them as you need.
Identify and acknowledge your feelings, you have a right to ALL of them. Do not feel guilty about any of the above, they are completely normal needs for people giving care.
Dealing with help you don’t need
People really do mean well but sometimes they can offer unwanted help, even unwanted advice. Become aware of who you can and can’t confide in. Surround yourself with people who you feel really supported by.
Phone calls
You don’t have to answer your phone every time it rings. Again, people mean well but you need your energy for yourself and your loved one. Allocate one person to give updates via text or phone; they can relay the messages to friends etc. This stops you from having numerous repetitive conversations which are draining and exhausting.
Visitors
Visitors can be exhausting and of course they are very good to call ….but do try to regulate it. For the person who is ill they often give all their energy to the visitor who stays for ages and goes away thinking: “sure he/she was in great form”. You are often left picking up the pieces.
Don’t be afraid to tell callers if it’s a good time or not and how long to stay for etc. Believe me, true friends will not be insulted or take offence.
Communication as a family
This really depends on individual people/family dynamics/relationships. Conversation is good though, whether it is about practical day to day affairs or more emotional issues going on for all family members.
To summarise… here’s some advice on how to cope when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer or another serious illness:
- Acknowledge the elephant in the room. It really is good to talk and if you can at all its good to acknowledge what is happening for you and your loved one as much as you can.
- It’s okay to say how you feel. Sadness, tears, laughter, fear are normal. You may feel the urge to pretend that everything is ok but expressing your feelings gives everyone else the freedom to be honest.
- Being present There are times when words are not needed, your presence can be enough. To simply “be” with someone is a gift. Instead of doing allow some space for just being.
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