“You’ll spoil the baby” – ”you’re making a rod for your back” – “you’ll never get him into his own bed” – “Don’t pick him up every time he cries” – “He can’t possibly be hungry again” – “You need to toughen him up” – does any of this sound familiar?
What is a new Mum to do when this is the advice you’re getting from well meaning family and friends (and sometimes health care professionals) but when you follow the advice it feels so wrong and maybe you persevere and ignore your gut feeling because you believe everyone else knows more about this whole ‘mothering’ thing than you especially when it’s your first baby.
I hope the information I’m going to share with you will reassure you that following your instincts and responding to your baby is not only good for your baby’s mental health, it’s good for yours too. Recordings of inconsolable babies crying are used in military torture which is why it also feels like torture to you.
Imagine your baby’s brain is like a Matryoshka doll. It is built from the bottom up (imagine the tiny doll in the center) followed by bigger doll and another. That’s how your baby’s brain develops. Like building a house everything is connected but you have to put in a strong foundation first. The basic brain circuits your baby is born with are very simple but has 2 important functions – to let mum know “hey I need you right now….I’m hungry….I’m wet…I’m scared…I don’t know what I need but I know I need you right now” so you will respond and help your baby grow the more complex areas of the brain needed to function as a healthy adult.
So you’ve changed his nappy, and you know she’s not hungry and your baby is still upset – and again well meaning friends will say he’s crying for ‘no reason’ or she’s trying to manipulate you. Please understand that the world is a very big scary place for your baby and having you close by acts as a buffer to the stress of this scary world that your baby is constantly adjusting to.
Think of your relationship with your baby like a tennis match. You ‘serve’ and baby ‘returns’, there’s a constant ‘to and fro’ of communication. In the early days that could simply be making eye contact, touching your baby, carrying your baby, cooing and talking to your baby and answering his cries. No Baby Einstein DVD’s required!
As a new Mum it may seem like you’re learning a new language but you’re learning what your baby is communicating (as your brain is changing too). Like a tennis match every time your baby communicates to you through cries and body movement (that’s the serve) and you respond appropriately consistently (return) you are growing your baby’s brain in the healthiest way possible. Likewise when you communicate to your baby and he responds your brain is changing too! Win win for you both!
As your baby gets older you’ll get lots of advice from other parents about sleep training or controlled crying but keep in mind your baby can only learn to comfort himself when your baby feels safe and secure – knowing his caregiver will respond to his needs. Not responding to your newborn baby’s needs consistently means his brain develops differently due to his ongoing stress response, so the growth in areas associated with regulating emotions and making decisions is less and the area associated with stress grows more.
Being consistent is the key – don’t feel guilty because your baby had to cry for a few minutes while you had the quickest shower of your life. So, why is this important? Research suggests that adults with smaller executive functioning areas and smaller hippocampi tend to experience more physical and psychological complications in life (it’s hard to make good decisions about your health or lifestyle when that part of the brain hasn’t developed properly). Your baby is learning the capacity to trust. Right from those first moments after birth your baby’s brain is wired to build a relationship with you so he can survive and thrive.
Being a new Mum can be incredibly hard and if you have a colicky baby it can test even the most patient parents. Your baby is inconsolable and cries and cries, you’ve tried everything. Yes this is a very stressful time for your baby (and parents) but by doing everything you’re already doing – walking, carrying baby in a sling, rocking etc. and reacting calmly to your baby’s distress you are buffering that stress response in his brain. It might feel like what you’re doing isn’t helping but responding gently and compassionately is exactly what he needs right now while he goes through this tough time.
Your body has been your baby’s habitat for the last 9 months of pregnancy and your body remains your baby’s habitat (skin to skin on your chest) for the next few days birth (or longer) as this magical brain wiring begins. Your baby’s brain forms 700 – 1000 new neural connections every second of every day for the first 2 years of life and you are the person best equipped to help those connections happen in all the right places just by responding to your baby when he needs you.
So today respond gently to your baby, rock them to sleep in your tired arms one more time tonight grateful knowing that you are the expert on your baby and your instincts won’t let you down. Lean on your family and friends for support on those difficult days so you’re also not just surviving new motherhood but thriving too.
More information on ‘return and serve’
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