What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful

“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” – Brene Brown.

As a therapist I work with some of the most courageous yet vulnerable people imaginable. The courage it takes to make the decision to engage in therapy and the vulnerability felt when taking the first step can be overwhelming. We all have times of vulnerability, being vulnerable isn’t a choice we make. The choice we make is how to handle those feelings of being unbearably visible when faced with uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.

Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. The thought of letting our guard down and others seeing our authentic selves is daunting. The word vulnerability, by its very mention can invoke thoughts of fear. For many when vulnerability is mentioned the first word that comes to mind is weakness. However, vulnerability is not weak, it is brave.

If you think of times you have felt vulnerable you start to recognise that being vulnerable is the opposite of weak. Times such as telling someone you love them, starting a new job, sitting with an ill friend, speaking in public or asking for help.

Our nervous system is wired so that we feel uncomfortable when experiencing negative emotions such as disappointment, sadness and fear.   We react to these emotions by trying to make ourselves feel better perhaps by avoidance or by numbing ourselves to the feeling, by medicating, overeating or drinking. We cannot cherry pick our emotions. Just as we experience positive emotions we also experience negative emotions.
By learning to sit in the discomfort of the negative emotion we begin to grow and learn that with practice, the feeling of vulnerability can become a stepping stone to love, understanding and creativity. Without vulnerability we cannot experience true emotional intimacy.

How can we embrace our vulnerability?

• By stepping outside our comfort zone and cultivating personal confidence. In doing this there is the possibility of being misunderstood, disliked or even rejected. The list of negative outcomes we create as our narrative are endless. Being vulnerable is The key to transforming our negative narrative into courage is learning how to recognise the feeling of vulnerability and make the choice to remain in the sea of uncertainty and risk. Slow your thoughts down, breathe and remember that the feeling will pass. Ultimately enabling you to make the choice that reflects who you are and what you believe.
• Being vulnerable is not only courageous it also takes practice and begins with learning to love ourselves. By loving ourselves completely we reduce the fear of rejection or concern about what others may think. Self-love builds confidence and the more confident we are the easier it is to accept vulnerability. Consider the safety talk that flight attendants carry out on all flights. They state that should the cabin pressure change, an oxygen mask will drop from the panel above you – see to your own oxygen mask first then to those around you. In order to help others breathe you need to be able to breathe yourself.

In practicing self-love you give yourself permission to be you – with all your imperfections which, is what makes you unique. It can be challenging for many of us, particularly in times when we face serious upsets. In practising self-love we can push through our limiting beliefs and live a life that truly shines.

• Recognising our imperfections. Accepting that perfection does not exist. If we constantly strive for perfection we constantly fall short. Most perfectionists grow up being praised for appearance, achievement and/or performance. Over time this becomes a belief system which can be debilitating as we believe that if we receive affirmation from others we can be perfect. Perfectionism focuses on others; what will they think? How will they view me? However, striving for excellence is achievable it does not require external affirmation. It focuses on you alone; how am I doing? Where can I improve?
• Willingness to recognise and explore vulnerability leads to a better understanding and acceptance of our “real selves”. Getting to know all parts to us enables us to be authentic and fully present our own lives and truly authentic with others. Vulnerability is not about sharing feelings with strangers, it’s about embracing boundaries and trust. Sharing our feelings and experiences with those who have earned the right to hear them.

According to Dr. Brene Brown, author and researcher, vulnerability sounds like truth but feels like courage. Her research suggests that vulnerability is at the very core of all human experiences. She states that we are vulnerable in all interactions with others. In showing others our authentic selves it gives others the opportunity to respond in an authentic manner which in turn leads to a greater understanding, mutual respect and emotional intimacy.

“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson Nelson Mandela’s Inaugural speech.