Many people would have you believe that talking about your problems and feelings will help you, particularly if those feelings are overwhelming you or becoming too much to cope with. Therapists certainly would, in fact we’ll charge you for the privilege. But why? Why should you talk? Is it really going to change the way you feel, change the way you live? Here’s why it really could.
When we are born we have no sense of ourselves, who we are or what we feel. Even our faces are unknown to us, in fact at birth we can only see as far as about 15 inches – just far enough to make out the face of the person holding us. This face (our mother, father or whoever cares for us) becomes a mirror in which we see ourselves and our journey to discovering ourselves begins.
When we laugh they laugh or smile and when we cry they reflect our sadness in their facial expression and comfort us. This is how we begin to learn what we are feeling (I am happy because the mirror is smiling!) and how to soothe ourselves (I am sad and so I need to be looked after). It also gives us power; expressions of anger and frustration are met with food, comfort or warmth and so we learn to influence our environment (I know how to get what I need!). In short, we are hard-wired to learn about ourselves WITH others and we begin to imagine ourselves in the image of our carers from our very first days. In other words, our brains and our personalities develop within relationships and it’s one of the reasons why talking and relating to other people is so powerful throughout our lives.
Fast forward into adulthood and nobody picks you up and sings to you when you cry anymore. Not in my experience anyway. The face in the mirror is yours now; you know who that person is and what that person needs, right? Except that sometimes you might find that you don’t. You recognise the face but it’s giving nothing back – who is that person? You recognise the feeling but you don’t know what to do about it. It feels like pain and you’re stuck with it. There may not even be any words to say or any way to make your friends and family understand. Perhaps it would hurt them. Perhaps there isn’t anyone. Now is the really hard part – the part that requires you to take a risk; you have to tell somebody.
Sometimes I think the things therapists don’t do are the most important. Let’s say you take that risk and decide to talk to a professional someone, here are some things they won’t do: they won’t get hurt, get bored, laugh at you, cry at you, recoil in horror, check their phone, check your phone, run out of the door or change the subject. There’s probably more but they are the really important ones.
They’ll listen to you and try and understand where you’re coming from. I sometimes hear the phrase “blank slate” to describe the therapist’s role but I don’t think that really describes it. The blank slate was that reflection you saw in the mirror – the one that was giving nothing back. The therapist is more like an interested witness; another person who can stand next to you when you confront that mirror again and try and explore what you’re really seeing in there. They don’t give nothing back; they try and help you get something.
It’s true that this might not be easy. It’s never easy to trust somebody straight away no matter what their qualification or job title might be. It’s not easy to be really seen by another person either, particularly if you find it difficult to share and experience difficult emotions; you might feel awkward or even ashamed at first.
We all had different experiences in our earliest days – sometimes the mirror showed us fear and confusion as well as love and comfort. That’s totally normal – a good therapist will recognise and account for it – but I believe that most people find the challenge this represents is a positive one and not nearly as fearful as staying isolated in their own distress. Even if you never experienced a relationship that helped you grow before you can create one; it can begin today. You can find someone who will stand with you in front of the mirror and help you discover your image anew.
If you want to speak to a therapist I recommend that you choose someone either with accreditation or working towards it. This gives you peace of mind that your therapist has undergone appropriate training and is following best practice in their work. You can find therapists in your area here:
iacp.ie, iahip.org and counsellingdirectory.ie
More information about David’s work via davidfoottherapy.com and find him on Twitter @DavidFoot5
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