Understanding anorexia

“It’s not about being thin for me, I look in the mirror and I’m ashamed for my friends to see me like this, I look emaciated.”

Around 80 people a year in Ireland die from Anorexia Nervosa which affects up to 200,000 people, according to Bodywhys, The Eating Disorders Association of Ireland. Two young girls who suffer from this psychiatric disorder agreed to speak to us in order to give people an insight into what it’s actually like to have anorexia. Both *Lisa and *Haleigh stressed that recovery as a whole would be much easier if the people around them understood this mental illness.

Lisa: “The illness robs you of your identity. You become introverted and deceitful.”

Lisa is a 20-year-old university student who has suffered with anorexia nervosa for almost six years of her life. She describes this illness as a way of controlling emotions: “Instead of crying, throwing a tantrum, slamming doors and shouting you restrict what you eat.” She also adds that the majority of sufferers also have severely low self-esteem, are perfectionists and frequently struggle with depression.

Lisa was first admitted to hospital at the age of 15 with a BMI of 12, which is far below the average of 18.5 to 25. She spent four weeks on a paediatric ward before being referred by mental health services and described her time in hospital as a “nightmare”. Lisa received constant verbal abuse from a number of nurses who saw her mental illness as a choice and a “waste of hospital services”. “Every night I cried myself to sleep, of course when they couldn’t see me because if they saw me crying that would aggravate the staff further.”

Since then, she has celebrated her 16th and 17th birthday in two separate inpatient wards for adolescents with mental health issues. Lisa repeated her Leaving Cert and achieved an outstanding 625 points. She went on to study Dietetics in DIT, however was admitted into St Patricks University Hospital the day after she completed her first semester exams in January 2016.

Having suffered with this crippling mental illness for most of her adolescence, Lisa acknowledges that describing anorexia to someone that hasn’t gone through it themselves is extremely challenging. She explains “It’s like having a little devil on your back all the time, criticising you, telling you to do things that you don’t want to do.”

Haleigh: “In the beginning, I would throw out all my lunch and when I came home, I’d have the most miniscule amount of dinner, and I wouldn’t have eaten breakfast.”

Haleigh is a 17-year-old secondary school student who has had anorexia for over four years. She saw a child psychologist for two years, but to no avail, and was then transferred to an adolescent mental health unit where she spent 49 days as an inpatient.

On discharge she was referred to a mental health service as an outpatient.  She now sees a psychiatrist and a dietician on a weekly basis. As a result she has missed a considerable amount of school and must have regulated meals following a strict meal plan. She is unable to have food without supervision.

Haleigh explains how her eating disorder has put a considerable amount of strain on her relationships with her friends and family which has left her feeling extremely isolated. She believes that she was more preoccupied with food which drove a wedge between herself and her friends. She feels that some of her friends cannot comprehend that her actions due to her eating disorder are unintentional and out of her control. “All they’d say is ‘gain the weight’, ‘you’re stupid’, ‘you’re vain’, they just don’t understand at all, but no one would say that to someone who has cancer. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t do it.”

She longs to have a healthy relationship with food and envies those around her who do: “I always stare at other people and how they eat because I don’t know how to eat without a meal plan and without thinking about it.”

Haleigh acknowledges that her battle with anorexia has robbed her of her teenage years “It has ruined every bit of my life since I’ve had the illness, I’ve had tiny good bits but it’s ruined the majority.”

Mairead Doyle is a Senior Dietitian who has been working in CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services), Galway for two years. She reiterates that a lack of control is one of the main precipitating factors in the development of an eating disorder. “They then get feedback from other people who tell them they look really good and this continues the purpose of losing weight.”

She adds that although the mortality rate is high, with the consistent support from family, friends and professionals, partial or complete recovery from anorexia nervosa is likely. “People absolutely do fully recover. However, mortality rate is highest amongst people with anorexia nervosa versus others with psychiatric illness.” She explains that a significant number of people only partially recover and continue to suffer from the disease long term. She also stresses that “so much more needs to be done” in order to raise awareness about eating disorders in Ireland.

Communications officer with Bodywhys, Barry Murphy, also explains that the ideal attitude to take towards people suffering from an eating disorder is “compassion, non-judgment, understanding and patience”.

Lisa would like people to understand that: “It’s not about superficial things, like how you look -it totally isn’t- if it was I wouldn’t look like this.” Haleigh and Lisa are both extremely positive about making a full recovery in the future. Haleigh concluded with her hope to be rid of her eating disorder forever: “There’s so much more to life than being trapped in this thing. I don’t know. I just want to be free really.”

*Both names have been changed to protect identities of interviewees

For more information on eating disorders visit: bodywhys.ie and b-eat.co.uk