On 18th October 2018, I sat at Everest base camp taking in the most incredible views, energy and spirituality. It was one of my highest times in my life to date. Six weeks later, I hit one of my lowest points, lying on my bedroom floor gasping for air, struggling to breath, trying not to vomit and faint all at once. The tears felt like they flowed harder than the clear Khumbu glacier river I had crossed a few weeks previously. I had no idea what was happening but I knew what I was experiencing was not healthy for my mind, body or spirit. I lay on the floor trying to do some breath work, I tried to listen to calming music, I text one of my best friends trying to explain what was happening but when she called immediately after I sent that text, I couldn’t face answering the call. I wanted to hide away from the world.
30 minutes passed and I managed to regain control of my breathing, my body felt raw and utterly broken. I felt like I was burnt from the inside out and my face looked drawn and tired. It was a day I was working from home but I took my own advice for once and decided I needed to put myself first for the afternoon. I’m fortunate enough to live beside a beautiful river and park, so I put on my runners, wrapped up and walked for hours. The sound of the water and the subsequent sound of silence was sheer bliss. I spent a lot of time thinking that afternoon about what had happened and why. In the back of my head I knew it was a panic attack but the perfectionist in me who always wants to be ‘seen’ to have her sh1t together did not want to admit it. I have spent many years doing all the things I ‘should’ do for self-care and mental wellbeing, yet in reality I still wasn’t connecting fully to my real self. I spent hours and hours in therapy trying to deal with things from my past and in all honesty trying to come to terms with how I saw myself physically. The gym which I claimed was so beneficial for my self care and mental wellbeing was running me into the ground. In reality, I was yet again chasing perfection and this time in the physical form. I realise now, there is no such thing. Top this with long hours in what felt like an extremely stressful job with nobody to turn to and no support, I was reaching breaking point and massive burn out without realising it.
When I got on the flight to Nepal, I made the decision that I was going to disconnect from the outside world for almost 3 weeks. You can imagine how well that went down with my mother who thought I was summiting Everest! My phone went off and I connected instead with everything and everyone around me. I went back to basics, and it was heavenly. I reconnected with the important things in my life. I sat with some of the most peaceful and kind souls that I have ever met. I went days without showering and spent most, if not all of the time in dusty clothes in dire need of a wash. But, I did not care. The peace and spirituality I experienced every day on that trek was something I will hold with me forever. The magical energy at base camp was extremely special. I tied my prayer flags to rocks and set my intentions to them for the universe to look after me.
I returned home, grateful for a hot shower and my cosy bed. I was determined to keep this mountain mindset I had found in Nepal. Sadly, this was not the case and you already know what happened. Following a visit to the doctor, being signed off work for some time on sick leave and choosing to start to take anti-depressants, I sat back and tried to reflect on how I could bring the mountain mindset into my daily life. So while I was off from work, I started my day sitting on the beach watching the sun rise. I felt I was the only person in the world at that time and it worked wonders for me.
There is an abundance of science to support the impact nature and the outdoors can have on your mindset and mental wellbeing. I am living proof of this. I’m still not there yet on connecting daily to the outdoors but I’m on a journey. Even if it’s as simple as appreciating a tree or the reflection of lights on the Liffey, then that’s good enough for me. Sure, it’s not Nepal, the Himalayas or Mount Everest… but it’s still nature, it’s still the outdoors and in my eyes, it’s still as beautiful.
I hope by writing this it will allow someone somewhere to realise the power the great outdoors can have on them. Disconnect to reconnect and see where it brings you!
The Inside Out Coach
Support Our Campaign
We rely on the generosity of the public to fund our work and so far together we have achieved great things! Please do continue to support us so we can provide future generations in Ireland with the resources to recognise and talk about their emotions, and equip them to navigate the ever-changing world around them as they grow
