“Love creates a communion with life. Love expands us, connects us, sweetens us, ennobles us” – Jack Kornfield, 2002
What is Loving Kindness?
When we start to practice mindfulness and notice where the mind is going, we can be surprised to hear how harsh our inner critic can be. If we spoke to our friends the way we speak to ourselves sometimes, we probably wouldn’t have many friends! Loving Kindness and Self-Compassion are ways to start befriending ourselves and treating ourselves a little more kindly, the way we might treat a good friend – with care, trust, respect, loyalty, kindness and love!
Sometimes people think if I’m self-compassionate, then maybe I will be lazy and self-indulgent or feel sorry for myself all of the time, however according to Dr Kristin Neff (2015) this isn’t self-compassion. She explains if we pity ourselves we tend to think of ourselves on our own ‘poor me’, whereas in self-compassion we are opening up to the ‘common humanity’ of suffering, that we are not alone and that we all suffer, which can be very supportive to realise that we are not alone in this. Neff explains that we can start to motivate ourselves from a place of self-compassion rather than just the inner critic. From this place of self-compassion, we are more likely to be less critical of ourselves when we make mistakes and actually have more successful outcomes by learning from them.
According to Professor Paul Gilbert (2009), when we criticise ourselves we are connecting into the body’s threat-defence system (our reptilian brain). This is our fight, flight or freeze system that helped us evolve and allowed us to escape quickly when there was danger approaching. Our Amygdala gets triggered and there is a release of cortisol and adrenaline in the body as we get ready for the threat. This system was very useful when there was a real threat to our selves, however now a days the threat of being eaten by a tiger is pretty unlikely unless we are on safari and get a little lost! According to Gilbert, nowadays our threat is to our self-concept and identity, when we feel inadequate our self-concept is threatened, so we attack the problem – ourselves. (Germer & Neff, 2015)
The Loving Kindness meditation practice is a befriending practice which can be a strong practice and sometimes when we open to this and realise how unkind and unfriendly we have been to ourselves, we can feel some sadness and hurt. This may allow for opening and allowing some of these befriending well wishes to be felt in the body. Even if we don’t feel these well wishes to start with, we are setting the intention to offer ourselves the well wishes, which is the start of forming a habit.
Some phrases we use in this practice are ‘May I be safe and well’… ’May I be healthy’… ‘May I be peaceful’ or whatever phrases feel most authentic for ourselves when we sit to offer ourselves these well wishes. Opening up and allowing whatever is already here, can be one of the most self-compassionate things we do for ourselves. We also have the Compassionate Body Scan which is a great practice for bringing some gratitude to this wonderful body of ours that we often give such a hard time for not being a certain way! The Affectionate Breathing practice allows us to connect in with this precious gift of the breath, which is keeping us alive and connecting us to each moment!
We may also want to place the hand over the heart or belly when we do these practices to which has an effect on the bodies response to feeling comforted – it is part of our biological mammalian care giving system (Neff, 2013).
Have a go – Two Week Challenge
Give yourself a two week challenge of alternating each day between the Loving Kindness practice, Compassionate Body Scan and the Affectionate Breathing, which are meditations from the 8 Week Mindful Self Compassion programme designed by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer, who Fiona trained with. If the Loving Kindness practice feels too strong, simply stick with the Affectionate Breathing and Compassionate Body Scan.
Loving Kindness for a Loved One Meditation (15 mins)
Affectionate Breathing (2)
Compassionate Body Scan
Also click on the link below to listen to Kristin Neff’s TED Talk about Self Compassion
Health Benefits of Befriending, Loving Kindness Practices
There has been a huge increase in self-compassion research linked to Wellbeing (Zessin, Dickhauser & Garbadee, 2015) showing reductions in negative mind states: anxiety, depression, stress, rumination, shame, perfectionism and thought suppression. As well as, increases in positive mind states such as life satisfaction, self-confidence, optimism, curiousity, happiness, connectedness and gratitude. Other health benefits include better coping with chronic health conditions (Sirois, 2015), Improved Motivation linked to a desire to learn and grow (Neff, Hseih & Dejitthirat, 2005), Less likely to develop PTSD after combat trauma (Hiraoka et al, 2015), Less fear of failure, more likely to try again and persist in efforts after failure (Breines & Chen , 2012) and healthier behaviours such as helps smokers quit, less alcohol use, more exercise (terry & Leary, 2011).
Always We Hope, by Lao Tzu
Always we hope
Someone else has the answer
Some other place will be better,
Some other time it will all turn out.
This is it.
No one else has the answer
No other place will be better,
And it has already turned out.
At the center of your being
You have the answer,
You know who you are
And you know what you want.
There is no need
To run outside
For better seeing.
Nor to peer from a window.
Rather abide at the center of your being;
For the more you leave it, the less you learn.
Search your heart
And see
The way to do
Is to be.
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