Men in Ireland for too long have ignored the conversation surrounding their emotional and mental well being. We can’t ignore this anymore, we need action and we need attitudes to change among our men. Colm, has stood up to show the way. A successful, intelligent and sincere gentleman, facing his back dog, and slowly starting to tame him.
My name is Colm McCormack and I have depression and anxiety issues.
It sounds like an admission, and that’s exactly what it is, an admission. I spent 20 years denying myself the right to acknowledge there was something wrong. If I am honest I held a stigma against mental health far worse than anyone else could hold against me.
Depression does not define me anymore but it can hamper me if I let it. I would be foolish to think that after Ironmind I am “cured”. That is not how it works, but when the black dog comes knocking again, which it will, I am better equipped to deal with his growls.
The Veil
Since I have probably been through various stages of anxiety and depression for over 20 years, I had developed a second personality, a veil of deceitfulness, it was the personality everyone knew, I was popular (but truly lonely), considered funny (but used to cringe when I made people laugh because I knew it was not the real me), good at my job (but constantly on edge that I would make a mistake), I hated the way I looked, but could not stop my terrible eating habits. Even still it has got to the stage if I eat anything that tastes nice (even if it is 100% healthy and free of processing), the guilt is there as soon as I finish, but with practice and habit this will change.
What truly got me before Ironmind, and through the process up to very recently, was that I portrayed this upbeat, funny, laid back personality, that now when people find out I have depression, I get paranoid of how I am meant to act around them. If I am feeling in a good mood, that mood is changed to a bad mood straight away because I think the other person is thinking “look at this lad, he is laughing and joking here there is nothing wrong with him”. I have spent so long hiding depression and anxiety that I do not have a f**king clue how to act, but with practice this is beginning to change. Guess what, I am upbeat, laid back (mostly), and funny… Well, 2 out 3 ain’t bad!
Do not get me wrong, the personality has gotten me to a high level, career wise, I work in finance and I can hold my own in most situations in the workplace talking about vast sums of money, but ask me where I left your stapler when I am not expecting it and I will fall to pieces! As I set and achieve goals no matter how small, the confidence grows and this is beginning to bring change, positive change.
Thinking back in regard to Gaelic football (a sport I truly love even though I was probably a better rugby player), I can only remember times I messed up. I remember missing a penalty against a local team when I was about 16 playing adult football, I remember missing a goal chance in a championship match in 2000, I could go on and on all day. So through anxiety and pure hatred towards my own ability I have never reached my full potential on the football field or even life. I always let on I was injured, had no interest, had to work etc… I do know it is something that has given me great pleasure to play and be involved in, but also caused some of my darkest days. The jury is still out on playing team sport in the future, if it is something that I do not want to play going forward I will not be saying NO to my club but saying YES to myself, listening to what is best for me.
The peer to peer support received playing a team sport or being involved in a group of some sort is something I now realise is critical. During Ironmind Mark started a WhatsApp group, I really think this made us the tight group we are, and it was a master move.
This brings me on to the adventure that was Ironmind, something I got involved in when I was pretty low. Funnily enough if I wasn’t low, I would not have got involved because as the journey got near the end I was petrified about being on TV, but I would have signed up to baby-sitting a pit of angry snakes this time last year if I thought it would make me feel better!
While we had a great support team around us during this journey, I like to describe it as they gave me a key and let me unlock my own potential. With all due respect, and I will be forever very grateful to them, they did not make me do anything, I done it all myself. That is something I am most proud of.
I was the furthest thing you could imagine from a triathlete, I was unfit, over-weight, could not swim and with non-existent motivation. A great saying my good mate Podge always suggests in relation to sport is that, I was a piano lifter as opposed to a piano player! I needed to practice piano pretty fast to get up to speed.
I learned to swim, I persisted on the bike, and I put in the miles on foot. The documentary covered all the training end of things. What I got from the experience was not that feeling better is about running 10 miles or swimming in the sea, it is about gaining confidence in your own ability, setting yourself challenges and working towards them. Your comfort zone extends and so does your outlook and ability to give yourself a break.
I have armed myself with an arsenal of tricks for keeping the black dog at bay but I have a new person to help me along the way. His name is Colm, he has depression but he accepts that. I fought with him for 20 years so our relationship is still in the early stages, but without accepting we have a common goal — to feel better — you are fighting a losing battle already.
Who said you can’t teach the black dog new tricks?
