This week, A Lust for Life were blown away by a stunningly simple yet pitch-perfect article by Journalist Danielle Tcholakian published on Long Reads, called “Surviving Depression”. Here, we’ve published an extract from the piece with permission from the author, and linked to the full piece on Long Reads.
In the wake of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain’s recent suicides, the New York Times published a piece with the headline, “What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed.” The writer, Heather Murphy, noticed that the people commenting on these stories were struggling with the same question: “What do you do when a friend is depressed for such a long time that you’ve started to feel that nothing you can do will make a difference, and your empathy reserves are tapped out?”
Here is a difficult truth: If your loved one has not yet come to terms with accepting help from a professional, there is very little you can do for their sickness.
But I phrased that carefully for a reason. There is very little you can do for their sickness. There is plenty you can do for them — without exhausting yourself. The Times story leads with one of the most effective options: “Don’t underestimate the power of showing up.”
One of the great blessings in my life is my roommate. She doesn’t have depression, but for some wonderful reason, she understands how it warps people, and she has incredible depths of gentleness, understanding, and compassion — three things depressed people can rarely offer themselves. I never feel judged by her, even when it’s been days since I’ve left my bed.
During a recent dark period, she came into my room and asked how I was doing. I mumbled that I wasn’t great, but said I’d be fine. She sat on my bed and asked if there was anything she could help with. I started describing all the things that were overwhelming me. I started to cry. I felt helpless. I hated myself. None of the things I had to do were that difficult, objectively, but when I thought about doing them, I felt like I was made of lead. At one point I said something about how messy my room was; how it was making me feel so bad and like I couldn’t do anything.
She brightened. “What if we clean it together, tonight?” she asked. I felt so silly for how much hope that gave me. I asked if she was sure she didn’t mind and she assured me she was, and said having a messy room made her feel overwhelmed, too. I nervously admitted that I didn’t know where to start. “Your desk,” she said immediately, her brain unencumbered by the mud of depression.
I ended up doing most of the cleaning and organizing myself while she sat on my bed. At one point, she said she felt like she wasn’t really helping. But her presence was the greatest help I could ask for. With her there, I felt less alone and intimidated by the task in front of me. Without her, I would’ve felt hopeless and crawled back into bed. With her, I not only got a break from being submerged in my lonely darkness, but I got to feel capable for the first time in what felt like such a long while. I was able to accomplish something.
It’s difficult feeling like it’s on you to fix your depressed friend, especially if your friend isn’t ready to get professional help. The best I think any of us can do is express love for our friends when and how we can.
If your friend is already getting professional treatment, it might help to know that what they’re doing is really hard work. They are clawing their way out of the belly of an unfathomable beast, and it takes tremendous strength. You might feel inclined to give advice or suggest something like exercise or a social activity, always with the best of intentions, but your friend might be exhausted, and beyond any more effort. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there. Watch TV with them, or a movie. Lie on the floor with them and hold their hand. Bring work over and just hang out. It might feel like nothing, like it did to my roommate. But to your friend, it’s everything.
What if your friend is ready and willing to get professional help? Another helpful item in the Times piece comes near the end: “Make getting to that first appointment as easy as possible.”
If you are someone who finds making phone calls and doing research easy, and even enjoyable, helping a friend find a doctor on their insurance could be huge. If you’re not that kind of person, maybe you know someone who is. Ask other people for help! You don’t have to be in this alone, just the same way your friend doesn’t have to be in his depression alone.
You can read the rest of this piece exclusively on Long Reads.