There is a lot of talk in the media at present about mental health and this is fantastic, the more people that feel comfortable talking about stress, depression, anxiety, eating disorders and every other issue out there, the better. Unfortunately there is a huge amount of misunderstanding, pop psychology and bad advice out there also.
My understanding of suicide is based on my work as a psychotherapist but also on my own experiences. I first contemplated suicide when I was 8 years old and my first attempt was when I was about 11. The reason for this was the sexual abuse I suffered as a young child and on a side note, from my work as a psychotherapist, I believe this is an epidemic we have yet to culturally face up to fully.
Honestly, I don’t think the thought of suicide ever left my mind again for the next 13 years, it became my ‘constant’. I usually kept the attempts at bay by severe periods of withholding food or bingeing and purging, but sometimes when I felt overwhelmed, I would plan to try and kill myself.
I remember clearly the turmoil, the sadness, the pain and the desperation, the wish for ‘it’ all to stop. I also remember the guilt I felt for feeling the way I did, I felt ungrateful, I had a family who loved me, ‘how could I do this to them?’ But I also remember thinking that they wouldn’t care, that they would be better off without me and even occasionally, that they deserved to suffer too. What confused me all the more was feelings of relief when I would survive an attempt coupled with thoughts of how pathetic I was for not being able to do it.
Suicidal thoughts and actions always involve pain. Both for those experiencing the thoughts and for their loved ones. It is so difficult for everyone to understand, but it must always be understood from the perspective of the person who is experiencing these thoughts. Understanding is the only way to relieve their and their loved ones pain and help them return to a full life because you don’t really live when you are consumed by suicide.
Often people become confused and angry when someone they know talks about suicidal thoughts and it’s hard not to. It can be hard to understand why they would feel this way, we may feel that they have lots to live for and that they just need to realise this. This mindset is potentially the most dangerous to adopt as it completely dismisses the pain the other is going through. Often it’s the very belief that no one will ever understand that might trigger an attempt.
I recall telling a teacher how I felt one time. I had built it up for weeks and finally took the huge step in telling her. Her eyes, then her words told me what I already believed, that I was insensitive and spoilt and obviously didn’t care for my poor parents and that I needed to cop on. “Cop on” and “Just think positively” are the two phrases I would outlaw if given the chance.
If somebody who was suicidal could “just think positively” then don’t you think they would? The phrase shows a complete lack of understanding and empathy towards the person who is suffering. When we are suicidal the logical parts of our brain located in the frontal cortex are not really in control, it is our reactive, instinctual limbic system that’s in control. This part of our brain only believes in action, so talking has little effect on it in that moment. The more upset and traumatised we become the more it is in control. If you struggle with feelings of fear and desperation and thoughts and beliefs that you are useless and crazy and that no one will understand you, then coming face to face with a world that reflects that by saying you need to ‘just be positive’ is a nightmare. Positive thinking has a role in self-care but it is only a little piece of the jigsaw. Making it more means that other important pieces are left out.
Another well-meaning but misguided strategy is trying to make the person suffering with suicidal tendencies to see the pain and the damage they may cause. No one takes their own life because they feel good about themselves, it is an attempt to relieve suffering, so making them feel bad is not going to help. I believe that people need to be accountable for their actions but again I must stress that no one is being fully logical when they take their own life, or are seriously considering it. Admittedly the fear of causing others pain does help some people push against the urge to suicide but it can also be the trigger as they are unable for the burden of caring, or part of their suffering is the belief that they don’t matter at all. I know from my experiences and from my clients that the message that you are valued, cared for and understood is infinitely more therapeutic.
Suicide is an attempt to relieve terrible pain and suffering, by someone who unfortunately believes there to be no other way at that time. It’s true that at times they are very angry as perhaps you might be if you were in constant inner turmoil and felt no one could understand and help. It is not an easy way out nor an attempt to hurt others, people who contemplate and attempt suicide do not do it lightly or logically.
What causes suicide?
It’s complicated and different for everyone. MDs will point to unbalanced brain chemistry and genetic predisposition, while Psychologists will say it’s childhood trauma and distorted cognitions and Sociologists will point at decaying social fabric and pressure. What is now pretty clear is that what drives people to suicide is a combination of all of the above with genes being the least influential for most people. Our environment (food, the chemicals we are exposed to, how we are treated by others, the mental health of those around us) both past and present are big factors. The exact ‘why’ for every person is not as important as a general understanding that it’s multi-layered and complex.
Suicide prevention and treatment needs to be a multifaceted approach. Just as the causes are biological-psychological-sociological, so is correct treatment. A healthy diet, lots of gentle exercise, positive non judgemental support, an understanding and a safe environment coupled with stress and anxiety reducing programs such as meditation and emergency planning are essential. I believe medication has a small role to play in some cases but only when used in conjunction with the above. So does talk therapy but its effectiveness is also limited when used on its own. My experience has shown me that its main value is providing understanding, education and compassion whilst encouraging gentle change.
Only through helping those who feel suicidal can we effectively reduce the pain it causes.
If you find this article helpful then please share it with others. This is a message I believe in, with my heart, mind and soul.
I wish you all well.
Kenneth Barrett – Psychotherapist (fitmindhealthybody.ie)
If you or someone you love is feeling suicidal please contact:
- Suicide is not the way – suicideorsurvive.ie
- Feeling suicidal? – samaritans.org
- Pieta House: Suicide and Self Harm Crisis Centre – pieta.ie
- One in Four – Sexual abuse. From surviving to living – oneinfour.ie
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