We live in a frighteningly progressive society. Traditions and cultures continuously evolve, and values and beliefs alter almost chameleon like with whatever is relevant and popular at any given time.
I welcome self-expression and diversity and I also value, respect and enjoy many aspects of tradition. However, one part of our traditional custom that needs to be re-evaluated and left in the past, is the ‘big boys don’t cry’, mentality, the ‘man up’ mind-set.
Men’s traditionalist roles on many levels have been stubbornly engraved into the attitudes of society, and as society moves progressively forward like a juggernaut, these perceived roles have remained rigid and stagnant.
If you look at women’s roles within the fabric of society over the last number of decades, you will notice how our mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers and daughters have advanced on so many levels, thankfully breaking free from some outdated traditions that no longer serve them.
Yet so many men are still imprisoned within dated and draconian values that are decimating our ability to reach out for help if we need it. Why is this?
I have had two friends in the past that have taken their own lives, having never actually asked for help, or even spoken to loved ones about their issues. They must have been so fearful of the stigma that existed around mental illness and also felt they had to succumb to and honour the archaic perception of what it means to be a man.
Being on the road a lot throughout this country, most days I meet partners, daughters and mothers of men who are struggling because they don’t feel able to ask for help. I’m told ‘I’m talking to you because he thinks there is something wrong with him needing a bit of help.’
This has to change, and urgently, before we lose more of our men to suicide due to an old senseless belief that we are weak if we ask for help.
For some enigmatic reason regarding the evolution of man, we have sculpted a definition of expected characteristics of the male. Back in hunter gatherer days, the male was sent out to hunt for food while the woman stayed in and prepared the food and cared for the children. Many things have changed in the world since then, but many attitudes have remained narrow-minded.
As men, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to not always be invincible. Being ‘invincible’ is killing us.
We have to stop this ‘sure women are better at talking about their feelings’ nonsense and allow ourselves to engage with our friends and family on that level. I noticed after Ireland beat France in the rugby that men were crying and emotional and able to hug each other and show compassion and love, yet when we try to do that in any other normal circumstance we sometimes become awkward and uneasy.
It won’t change over-night, but it’s important to be aware of our behaviours. Try to change one thing at a time. Tell your parents or someone in your life you love them, or engage with a friend on an issue that gets you down. You would be very surprised at how it makes you feel.
I am of course not saying this will alleviate or fix any mental health or emotional issues you may be dealing with, but it will allow you to look at the situation on a different level. Releasing repressed emotions can often ease the anxiety or the lows. Sharing them can make you realise that you are not isolated and you are not alone.
Breaking free from the traditions that stop men seeking help is critical in changing our culture and attitudes towards mental health and can be incredibly liberating for the individual and their loved ones.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here: