Social anxiety affects an estimated 16.8% of Irish people according to Social Anxiety Ireland. In my work, I see many clients who suffer from social anxiety. Often they appear to be ‘on the outside’, the most confident of people – yet they are crippled with the fear of ‘What will other people think?’
It is one of the most common phrases that I hear from all ages young to old, men and women. It could be a businesswoman with her own family, or a young guy just starting out in life. The outwardly confident clients that seem to have it all and by all accounts are ‘successful’ in the material world, in their work and social status can be crumbling behind the façade of a fake confidence. That is not to say you have to be seen as successful to experience social anxiety, but only to illustrate how it can affect even those we believe to be uber-confident.
Why are we so many of us concerned about what will other people think and what has this got to do with social anxiety?
The primal fear of rejection
What we perceive other people think about us has got everything to do with the crippling effects of social anxiety. The key word here is perceived – because the truth is, we haven’t got a clue what people think about us. However, an anxious mind can concoct all sorts of judgement that stem from a very basic and primal need to survive. Our early ancestors travelled in packs, and being accepted into the group was as important as life and death. If we were not liked by the rest of the group, we could quickly be cast aside and left to fend for ourselves. Today, we may not starve if we are outcast from a social group, but our primitive mammalian brain interprets the fear of not being included as a genuine threat to our survival. Our ancestors may have had good cause for social anxiety – but today, not getting enough likes on social media triggers the same parts of the brain. The fear of rejection leaves us feeling vulnerable, inadequate, weak and extremely self-conscious.
Social anxiety – not just social
The irony is that social anxiety is not just left for those fun events such as parties and weddings that can be the source of dread for anyone struggling with this but if left unattended it can grow – so what started out with specific events such as a presentation or a party, can then start to spread into any group situation – whether it is the coffee break at work or waiting for a friend in a coffee shop who is late. It can often be found with figures of authority and is, of course, highlighted at any time we feel that the spotlight has been turned on us. Young people, starting from adolescents to early adulthood, are most susceptible as this is the time when the need to belong is at its most intense. We compare ourselves to others and often are incredibly critical of ourselves, we then project this criticism outwards and it is this perception that causes the anxiety. Learning to be kinder to you will ease the perceived judgement of others.
If a person does not get the help they deserve at a young age, it is likely to continue into adulthood. Adults will develop the skills to hide it to the best of their ability and the feeling of wearing a mask to the world is born.
What are the symptoms?
Some of the most common symptoms are physical and close to general anxiety, they include:
- A racing heart
- A racing mind
- Blushing & the fear of blushing
- Sweating hands
- Dry throat
- Tight chest
- Nausea
- Shortness of breath that can lead to panic
- Mind goes blank – poor concentration
- A feeling of wanting to avoid and flee and perceived place of threat.
What Causes Social Anxiety?
It is mainly a learnt behaviour that stems from childhood. Many children will be shy and feel self-conscious amongst their peers. This shyness, if it lingers into adolescence, leads to a strong feeling of self-consciousness and fear of not knowing what to say or how to make new friends. Many people with chronic social anxiety may have learnt it from a parent who also had it but was never diagnosed – or often from being bullied at school. The root of social anxiety doesn’t need to be that dramatic or traumatic in order for it to become a negative emotional habit.
Ultimately, people will not let it go without some help, as subconsciously there is a belief that it is protecting them and avoidance is easier. No gene has been found that shows it is a genetic disorder. The old ‘chemical brain’ model is now out of date, and through the onset of neuroscience we are learning that what was unintentionally learnt can be intentionally unlearnt. This provides wonderful hope.
What Can You Do to Heal Social Anxiety?
The good news is that the brain is malleable, and through the power of our thoughts and imagination, you can start to carve more confident neural pathways in your brain. The key to the following exercises is repetition, and to harbour feelings of hope that you can and will feel better if you take the time to practice them. Please also do take stock in the fact that everyone has some level of social anxiety, it is normal, but when it reaches a level that interferes with your ability to flourish then it’s time to address it head-on with love and compassion.
- Breathe really deep into your belly – if you find yourself suffering from any of the symptoms above, breathe deep, we use the breath to calm the mind rather than trying to use the mind to calm itself. This sounds simple and it is but the difference it makes to calm your parasympathetic nervous system is profound.
- ‘Tattoo’ this onto your mind: People are NOT focussed on YOU – they are focussed on themselves. Once you can really believe this, it is liberating and it is true, you would be amazed what people don’t notice about you as they are far more concerned about what is going on for them. As you perceive them to be thinking about you, they are often doing the exact same thing. We all play centre stage in our own imaginations.
- Using mindfulness; breathe and focus on listening to what other people are saying rather than being concerned with what you say or don’t say. Listening is not about waiting for a gap so that you can speak, but being really present. You will be amazed when you do this that you engage and communicate naturally. People love to be listened to.
- Make mental visualisations of the next day. Close your eyes last thing at night and see yourself breathing, listening and being confident around people.
- Power poses are amazing for building instant confidence, check out the work of Amy Cuddy who has studied how you can change how you feel by changing your posture.
- Last but not least, cultivate self-compassion and always, always acknowledge all progress, no matter how small you think it may be.
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