Well, what an adventure this has been. A truly incredible one that was full of blood, sweat and tears. Not just from myself, but also from the four special people and the whole of the ‘Ironmind’ team, who I care deeply about and have so much respect for.
When I first signed up for this challenge, I was actually just discharged from Ennis Day Hospital. They were going to lower the dosage of my medication, and I was in a positive mood. I did what I needed to do. I told them my story and experience with my mental health, but to be honest, I didn’t think too much of it. I didn’t think I would be chosen to be part of this project. I actually thought to myself, why would they choose me if I’m being discharged from the Day Hospital and I’m ‘on way to being cured’? I so badly wanted to be apart of it because I thought it would be great to say that I’ve done a half Ironman and get really fit, but the main reason was to open up about my biggest secret for almost 10 years now… that I suffer from trichotillomania, which is an impulse control disorder characterised by the compulsive urge to pull out one’s hair, leading to hair loss and balding, distress, and social or functional impairment.
Funnily enough, I actually took part In Bressie’s event back in early March, the ‘My 1000 Hours 10 km Run’ in Phoenix park in Dublin, and after I completed it I opened up about my experience with General anxiety disorder and my episodes of depression on Facebook. I just felt amazing that day, and that was the first time I’d ever met Bressie. So I thought if I were chosen for this documentary, my next step was to be open about trichotillomania. Fitness wise, I would be kind of into my running, doing a 5 km fun run here and there and I would have done leisurely cycles around the area where I used to live many years ago. Swimming on the other hand, well, I knew squat about it. The only experience I had with that is jumping out of a boat with my life jacket on, and I also had this fear of ‘the unknown’ in deep, dark waters where you can’t see the bottom and you feel like a dead body will float up and come to life and drag you down along with them. Anxiety ehh.
The whole experience was a wonderfully weird one. I made amazing close friends within a matter of weeks, people who I told my deepest darkest thoughts, worries and just people who I could relate to. The team were so understanding of my mental health issues and never got frustrated with me. I just want to point out how important that is. If you have people who create a negative environment or just bring toxic, bad vibes when they enter the room, giving out to you all the time and never praising you for the good work you have done, for me it just makes me feel like crap, uncomfortable and quite anxious. So honestly to all of the Ironmind team, you’re fucking awesome.
I finally opened up about my hair pulling. I have to say, that was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Matt, the director, asked me for the images, and I thought It would have been an easy thing to do after talking about it with the team for all them months so I sent them. As soon they had been sent I felt this lump in my throat.
It felt like someone was reaching into my heart and stomach and turning it upside down, followed by a number of punches to finish it off. It really was quite painful for me to do. After all them years of trying to hide it, now most of Ireland would see my bald patches. I don’t think I would have had the balls to do it. Talking about it is one thing, but showing it, was a completely different thing altogether. Now I have received so many amazing messages for my bravery and honesty , so much support, so much empathy, so much positivity.
To be honest, I never thought I would see the day. If someone said to the 13 year old me that I would be apart of this experience, I would have laughed in your face and (in my head) told you to stop talking shite. Many people will tell you that I was quite the positive, happy go lucky girl in school but in fact what they didn’t know that I was breaking inside, day by day. I was so afraid of the future. I felt so ugly, worthless, disgusted with myself, overly self critical , didn’t give a shit about myself and thought everyone was more important than me. Suicide is a horrible thing to experience or to even contemplate and I was only 13.
I had always hoped that things would get better and that I would be free from my mental health issues. Sure I’m getting better, where I’m learning to be more kind to myself and to know the difference between useless and ‘useful’ guilt and catching my thoughts and labelling them into categories: depressive, anxious and adaptive. But I still have a long way to go, as I still pull out my hair at times, albeit, a much more rare and understood behaviour.
When I found out I was apart of this, I really thought I had to be the best and win the whole half Ironman event. Again I was wrong. They only wanted us to be fit enough to actually complete it. That was it. To pace ourselves and to take our time to get to that wondrous, magical place called… The finish line, but it became less and less about the race as the months went on and more about building our resilience and coping strategies for the future, our mental fitness. I’m still on my medication, and I was desperate to get off it and I got quite upset when I found out I wasn’t. I was racing myself to get ‘better’ but what this process has taught me was to pace myself. Whether its medication, grief and making life long decisions or anything in life, ‘Slow and steady wins the race!’ You’ll get to that finish line and I know I will too. I had to dig deep for this process and as painful as some parts were, it did me the world of good. I feel I am a more confident, proud woman. I am worth something to this world, to myself. I’ve learnt to have more self compassion, and learnt a lot from the others journeys, and raw honesty. The peer to peer social support we shared cannot be underestimated. If only the stigma around mental health illness could be destroyed, these conversations could become a normal everyday occurrence among family, friends and colleagues, and people could realise they are very much not alone.
Bressie, Orla, Colm, Mark, Ciaran, Clare, Gerry, Carole, Mark, Matthew, Gar, Matt , Dave, all the lads and ladies who provided support, equipment and advise along the way, and helped me to get to where I am today, thank you. Thank you to all the wonderful people who sent words of support and love. Even though you say thank you is enough, in my heart, you saved my life in little and big ways and I will forever be grateful for that.
Jade!