Rewiring the people-pleasing / burnout loop

It is often debated whether or not Einstein actually coined the famous quote –‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results’. Regardless of its origin, it is a sentiment that offers worthwhile food for thought. Unfortunately, burnout can be a very real and exhausting experience for those of us who find ourselves caught in a repetitive people-pleasing loop.

I have experienced this type of burnout first-hand, and can honestly say that while self-care is always important, it takes more than a lie-in and a spa day to deal with the root of the issue. While these are lovely, nourishing experiences to enjoy, they are also merely surface-level ‘plasters’ to help you to feel a little bit better and more rested in the short-term. Unfortunately, the likelihood is that you will return to the people-pleasing behaviour in time again, unless you address the WHY. Why do I feel the need to repeatedly put myself in this position?

To explore this question, honesty and self-reflection are needed in your arsenal, as well as finding the courage and consistency to implement change; all of which can be difficult to muster up when you are emotionally exhausted!

So, is there a user-friendly approach to coping with the people-pleasing/burnout loop? Over the past few years, I have been on a ‘trial and error’ journey; exploring what works for me. While some of these suggestions are personal to my own life, hopefully they will resonate to some degree on a wider level too!

Exploring the ‘Why’

Exploring your reasons for your people-pleasing tendencies and trying to make changes all in one fell swoop can be a daunting task. So why not break it down? A gentler place to start might be to examine our ‘why’ as a standalone, without feeling the need to change anything immediately. And to do so with self-compassion.

Here are some examples of ‘Whys’ that can cause people to engage in people-pleasing tendencies:

• Low self esteem: if your sense of worth is tied up in the idea of how much you can be of value and service to others, rather than it being intrinsic for yourself
• Peace-maker : if your role as a child was to help to keep the peace in the family
• Care-giver: if as a child or adult you find yourself in a caring role for loved ones, and/or in your career also
• Childhood trauma: ‘fawning’ – if, as a child, you felt the need to avoid conflict and appease those around you in the family setting – ‘walking on eggshells’
• Success: if your sense of achievement in life is linked to receiving feedback from others about how happy you have made them or how helpful you have been
• Rejection: if you experience rejection during your life as a result of you showing your true, authentic self. This might cause you to think that you are more likely to be liked if you are reactive and responsive to the interests of others, rather than expressing those of your own.
• Dissociation: if you tend to ignore the feelings that you might be experiencing, as well as the physical clues that your body might be giving you about these emotions – e.g. panic might manifest as a tight chest etc.
• Empath: if you feel the pain of others easily and deeply, and feel drawn to help, fix and heal

Maybe your ‘Why’ features on this list, or yours might be another reason altogether, personal and individual to you. Whatever the reason, you deserve plenty of kindness as you explore these concepts and work on understanding your own motivations.

Establishing Boundaries and Saying ‘No’

One of the most difficult things for a people-pleaser to do is to say ‘No’, especially without experiencing guilt. It is in our make-up to feel that we are letting others down if we cannot fulfil the request that they are asking of us. Also, since we generally believe that our value is directly correlated with how useful we can be to another, saying ‘No’ can also leave us feeling fearful that we won’t be liked or that the other person in question will be angry with us.

Trying to keep the peace and not let others down can cause us to be unsure of our own opinions and about what feels right for us. Since we are so caught up in a state of reactivity, and are constantly reading situations to gauge what makes others happy, we might end up losing our sense of connection to our own needs, limits and boundaries. It can take some work to develop this skill of tuning inwards to see how situations and interactions sit with us. The ultimate goal is to be able to keep snowballing burnout at bay by being able to read our own responses to situations in the moment as they play out. I still find this challenging at times, but sometimes by reflecting on situations afterwards, I can determine how I might deal with similar situations in the future again.

Communicating with Loved Ones

Often, our nearest and dearest can be the most challenging people to establish boundaries with. They know us on a different level to colleagues and friends, and are accustomed to their relationship with us having a certain dynamic. If you decide to work on your boundaries and prioritise yourself to avoid accumulative burnout, this change can shake them, as your familiar dynamic may become upended all of a sudden. At first, they may not like this change, and interpret your approach as you pulling away or becoming distant, harsh or disinterested.

While you do not owe anyone an explanation for prioritising yourself, I have found it helpful to communicate with loved ones about undertaking this work. If you open up a discussion, your loved ones will hopefully try their best to understand the change in behaviour. They will begin to realise that this change is nothing personal towards them; it is about you, and is in support of your wellbeing. They might even be able to offer you some support going forward if they know that this is something you are working on changing in your life.

Understanding Introvert Burnout

As an introvert, I can find certain social situations exhausting, and may need breaks in the day to decompress before interacting with others again. For years, I did not honour this aspect of my personality, and would bounce from one social interaction to another, turning up with a beaming smile each time, aiming to please whatever combination of people that I met before me. Dissociating, not checking in with myself, ploughing on regardless. The longer that I continued, the more ‘life exhausted’ I became. It was only through gradual self-reflection and study that I really began to understand the needs of my personality type and that my people-pleasing tendencies were sabotaging my ability to reset. Understanding your personality type and getting to know what helps you to access reset-mode in your own life will help to combat that dreaded risk of burnout.

10 Quick Tips to Help Avoid People-Pleaser Burnout

• Use daily affirmations to support your mindset around your self-worth – e.g. Taking care of me is my priority, I deserve my own time and attention.
• Connect with your physical body through breathwork, exercise or meditation to help you to tune in to what you may be feeling; e.g. My muscles are sore from holding stress…why?
• Purposely schedule ‘you’ time in to each day, whether it be to read, visit nature or cook a hearty meal for yourself.
• Develop the practice of checking in regularly ‘in the moment’ to help you to figure out how you are feeling and responding in any given situation.
• Before committing to meet someone socially, pause and ask yourself, ‘Do I really want to see this person today? Do I have the energy to interact? Will the energy exchange be fair and even? Will I feel good after being in their company?’
• Continue to work on the skill of saying ‘No’ without guilt attached.
• Develop approaches to deepen your own appreciation of your self-worth; e.g. setting boundaries and regularly communicating your needs and level of comfortability.
• Discover new ways to gradually allow the real you to be seen, be it through writing, artistic expression, sharing opinions or even dress sense.
• Monitor your inner dialogue and work on keeping your self-talk positive and affirming.
• Notice and embrace the people who still want to be in your company when you are not of practical benefit or service to them.

In response to Mental Health Advocate Yasmin Irfani’s thought-provoking question – ‘Who am I when I am not of use to others?’, I simply and repeatedly affirm:

‘I am enough’.

As are you.