Every day we can feel bombarded with actions and opinions that are different from our own. We can feel like the stories others are sharing make us feel uneasy. We cannot control everyone else, even when we think they are speaking unfairly or behaving in ways that we simply do not like. Our reactions can swing between judging and getting over involved to shutting out and trying to ignore.
“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”
― Pema Chodron
When we ask questions, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. We acknowledge we do not know. We create space for listening and for answers. We also allow for pondering and debating without specific answers.
As a self-professed action lady, I have not always in my time been good at the pondering end of the spectrum. I would find work meetings painful. I disliked scientific dinner table debates and I would shut down to propositions outside of what I already believed or had been exposed to. In my defence, I thought I was right (don’t we all?!) I thought if I wasn’t getting something done right now, or the discussion was not leading us to some definitive action, then why bother? Truth be told, I was often uneasy in the unknown, and my protection mechanism was to shut out uncertainty.
It can, in many ways be so easy for us to focus on the content of our conversations as mundane and ordinary. It can seem that some of the people we interact with care very little for big questions. But here in lies the challenge, have we asked them? Have we taken the time to learn about ourselves and truly learn about others?
Before our judgements dictate our analysis of each other and the world around us, can we take a closer look? Can we find ways to get to the heart of the matter? If we allow ourselves the grace of time to question and reflect, we can find out so much more than our initial assumptions.
I have, in my small meandering journeys to somewhat-called wisdom, learnt that questioning, pondering, and eking out conversations is truly what gets us to the heart of the matter. What is really bothering us? What is really under our daily frustrations and quibbles? And beyond the things that niggle at us, what are we happy about and what matters most to us?
Placing people in boxes can come from a sense where we have lost the ability to simply question further. Maybe we give up because it takes too much effort or maybe we feel more in control with our current assessments. Maybe we are afraid of the terrain of the unknown, the place with no specifics.
Maybe we are trying so hard to prove ourselves that we believe having all the answers shows that.
What I see happening is that when we lose connection to imagination, to pondering and to stimulating ideas and further questions, we lose potential and positivity. We know through neuroscience that our brains are hardwired for negative bias (further reading: Rick Hanson), this is our protection mechanism. So, anything negative will stick in the assumption that somehow we are protecting or armouring ourselves. What can happen though in this default mode is that without questioning, without processing or reflecting, is that we stay stuck. We believe gossip or negative tales about others we are unsure of. We think negatively about topics we have briefly heard mentioned on the news. We fear for outcomes and picture the worst.
We wake up tense and we go to sleep tense.
However, we can shake out of those patterns. To free ourselves from the rut of grappling for certainty, we must keep questioning, to hear and find out more answers. To understand, to grasp and most of all to perhaps realise that there are infinite questions.
“…the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose.’ – Brene Brown
We will never know everything and that is ok. We cannot control everything and that is ok. The land of the unknown, of the contradictory, of the uncontrollable is an ok place to be.
Our mental health on a day to day basis benefits from attaining a sense of ourselves and that which we can control, our own thoughts, and head space.
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