Positive self-deception – Stop beating yourself up

I always go for bad boys; I never listen to wise advice; I can never get it right; nobody likes me; now, everyone thinks I’m stupid – these are some of negative self-deceptions we indulge in, at times.

I once spoke with a man who used many such statements to describe himself. When I asked him why he was so cruel to himself, he said he just wanted to be realistic. Now, how realistic is it to see oneself as being always bad? I have yet to meet a person who does not have any good qualities. Whether we agree with it or not, we all have both good and bad characteristics, and unless we can see both sides to ourselves, we cannot truly see ourselves, thus all we do is self-deception, not realism.

Even more importantly, however, this negative self-deception is very unhelpful. It causes many symptoms of depression, or anxiety; and strips us of our inner strength that we so badly need to change our life circumstances. When we continuously knock ourselves down, with such cruel statements, it’s like we’re beating ourselves up with a big stick. If a friend, or a family member did something silly, would you call them names, and tell them they are useless? Chances are that you wouldn’t, as otherwise, you would not have many friends. So why do we insist on doing it to ourselves, and then calling it realism?

Whilst many people with depression and anxiety practice negative self-deception, research shows that all those, who live good lives, regularly engage in positive self-deception. Positive self-deception takes many different forms. For example, when asked about ourselves we may see some of our negative characteristics but tend to notice more virtues than vices. People, who live good lives and feel well, tend to say things like this: If I were to run this country, it would be fixed in no time; or if only my boss took on board some of my ideas, we would have definitely bagged that client; or I might have made a mistake, but I know I’m a good person.

If you would like to practice seeing yourself more positively, write a list of all that you’re good at. They may include such things as: I’m a great singer, good dad, great employee, I’m good at making people feel comfortable with me. If you can’t come up with many ideas, ask your close ones to describe you. Once you have your list of what you’re good at, learn it by heart. Then, every time you catch yourself saying something negative, quickly add to it: I may have done this or that, but I am also good because… and list the whole lot of qualities you have.

Another self-deception technique, we tend to practice regularly, is thinking that we have more control over our lives than we may actually have. For instance, when my friend Mary was diagnosed with cancer, she took her diagnosis in a stride. She started to practice positive thinking, changed her diet, and signed up to a gym. Her taking action, in a situation where she felt so helpless, gave her the energy to keep going. The alternative to it was to give up and maybe start experiencing the symptoms of depression.

If you would like to practice taking control, think of small things you can do that can put a smile on your face or take one small step towards feeling better. For instance, if you have defaulted in your mortgage for months or years, you can take control of your situation by contacting MABs, writing a list of your incomings and outgoings, arranging a meeting with your bank, to mention a few.

The third form of self-deception is a belief that the future is going to be better than today. These thoughts help us keep our hope going and provide us with the motivation to make changes. A few years ago a close friend lost her job. She had given up a good job for, what she thought was an even better position. Unfortunately, her personality did not suit the new organisation and after her probationary period ended she was let go. It was a shock for her, but she decided to keep her hope going. “It can only get better” – she kept saying – “something good is just around the corner”. As I listened to her, I admired her hopefulness and did not say otherwise. After all, it was so much better for her to think that, rather than lose hope. Her positive self-deception resulted in applying for many jobs. Soon she found, what she called, her “perfect” job and has been in it for over three years.

If you want to practice thinking that your future is going to be better than today, take a piece of paper, set your alarm clock for 20 minutes and write a story of what your life will look like 10 years from now, if all you ever dreamt of came true. Keep reading your story back and adding new details to it. After all, your vision of the future is the first step of making it happen.

We all engage in self-deceptions, be it negative or positive. Negative deception makes us feel bad and strips us of our motivation to change our circumstances. Positive self-deception, on the other hand, is more helpful to us, especially when we are facing difficult times. When tough times strike, do you want to hope for a better future, see yourself as capable and in control to make all the changes you require; or do you prefer to give up? It may sound like a cliché, but the choice is always yours.