Positive Psychology | Exercises for building happiness – Part 2

Read Part 1 here if you haven’t already, before you dive deep into Part 2.

To measure and build happiness in a systematic way researchers have broken down happiness into five areas under the acronym PERMA.

P stands for Positive emotion.
E stands for Engagement.
R stands for Relationships.
M stands for Meaning.
A stands for Accomplishments

This article covers the evidence based exercises for increasing happiness in the areas of Engagement and Relationships.

Engagement exercises

If you have ever become fully engrossed in a book, game or activity, and lost a sense of time or sense of self then you’ve already experienced ‘Engagement’. Also described as ‘Flow‘ by Hungarian psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in his book on optimal experiences, we experience ‘engagement’ when we perform challenging activities with a high level of skill which have clear goals, and provide immediate feedback. This state is most frequently reached during hobbies and sports, less frequently in states of study and work, only occasionally during eating and shopping, rarely during housework and TV and very rarely when idle resting (i.e. Facebook scrolling). In fact idle resting has an overall negative effect on experiences of flow.

Task: Increase engagement by any of the following:

1. Replacing some idle resting time with a hobby.
2. Take on a greater challenge that stretches your skill level.
3. Do bursts (5-20) minutes of study or housework to the absolute best of your ability occasionally.

Relationship exercises

Cultivating good relationships is one of the most consistent predictors of happiness. Relationship researchers at the Gottman Institute have identified six areas that can elevate or extinguish relationship happiness. Primarily aimed at couples, these exercises work equally well in workplace, family and personal relationships. 

1. Know your partners world

Continue to learn about your partner after the initial chemistry has faded. Ask questions about likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, hobbies, shows, favourite foods, songs, important memories and areas of vulnerability. Discover how they prefer to express their affection and how they prefer having it expressed to them i.e. through words or through acts or with gifts, quality time, or with physical closeness. These are the 5 love languages. 

2. Show fondness and admiration for your partner

Make efforts after the initial chemistry of your relationship passes to continue to see what you admire in your partner. Express your fondness and admiration for them in the love languages you’ve discovered they prefer in step 1 above.

3. Respond to bids for connection

A bid for connection is any attempt to connect with the attention of a partner, often they are simple passing comments and questions about ordinary things. When a bid for connection is made such as through a comment like “the garden looks good” we can response in 3 ways; we can turn toward the bid with comments such as “yeah, the good weather has really helped”; we can turn away from the bid with “uh yeah…alright”; or we can turn against the bid for connection with comments such as “you’re always on about the garden”. When we turn toward bids, it conveys to our partner that we are present and interested. This builds trust, connection and security. Research evidence shows that couples who divorce turn towards bids from their partner only 33% of the time. Conversely, couples happily married after 6 years turn toward bids 86% of the time.

4. Managing conflict constructively

Relationship conflict has 5 problematic features:

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Meaning behind conflict
5. Stonewalling

To get past criticism keep in mind that behind every complaint is a frustrated desire. Practice raising areas of criticism softly and constructively.

Step 1: Use phrases like “I really like it when you…” or “it means a lot to me when you…” instead of “why do you always…” and “you never…”.

Step 2: To diffuse feeling defensive seek responsibility where you can find it and practice the art of apology, such as “I see how what I did affected you, I‘m sorry I caused that… How can I make it up to you? I will try my best to…in the future.” Good apologies preserve people’s dignity, invite connection and confirm shared values.

An attitude of contempt is the biggest emotional predictor of a relationship at risk of breakdown. Relationships psychologists regard contempt as a corrosive acid which dissolves affection.

Step 3: The best way to avoid contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and admiration. Contempt is expressed as hurtful comments and behaviour such as mocking, eye rolling intended to diminish, punish and repel. Contempt is in the eye of the beholder, the responsibility is on the contemptuous person to catch themselves and change their perspective of their partner by finding things they are fond of and admire.

People don’t argue about things, but rather argue what those things mean to them.

Step 4: Look at the topic of conflict. Find out and understand what the subject of disagreement means to each other. Talk about what hopes or desires the subject of disagreement is preventing or what fear, danger or insecurity the subject of disagreement evokes.

Stonewalling is the biggest physiological predictor of relationships that fail. It happens when one partner abandons an argument and leaves. This serves as a protective behaviour when conflict gets out of hand. When flooded with distress, our heart rate increases to over 100 beats per minute and blood oxygen is withheld from the non-essential functions of our bodies. The results is we don’t mean what we say, can’t say what we mean and can’t engage with what is being said to us.

Try to avoid distress getting to this stage with the steps above. When stonewalling occurs practice self-soothing, relaxation exercises and breathing exercises until the distress has reduced to a manageable level.

5. Make each other’s life dreams come true

Discover and champion each other’s life dreams. Talk about why those dreams are important to each of you. Share your own dreams and allow them to be supported and championed by your partner. These dreams may take any form such as getting a promotion, writing a book, going on a specific trip, acquiring a particular possession or a certain achievement.

6. Create shared meaning

This is an area of abstract but profound communication. Couples often find they have differing ideas about the meaning of things, such as what ‘family’ should look like, what it looks like to be a good husband, wife, parent, mother or father. The ways moments of celebration or commemoration are marked can be different in each partners family of origin and are full of meaning. Relationships become deeply satisfying and conflict is prevented when each others assumptions about these roles, rituals and symbols are expressed, understood and shared.

Visit wellspringtherapy.ie/resources.html to get your Happiness score. The final part of this 3 part series on Positive Psychology – Exercises for Happiness will cover the final 2 part of the PERMA model, Meaning and Accomplishment.